My Black Past is Haunting Me

Update

2006-04-07T13:55:00.000-04:00

I have a new blog .. if you wish to read just go to http://my-tears-are-eternal.blogspot.com/ ill be updating it a lot more then i do this one, but anyways this is the last post for this one now ... check out my new blog

Here By Me

2006-03-12T09:08:00.000-05:00

I hope you’re doing fine out there without me
‘Cause I’m not doing so good without you
The things I thought you’d never know about me
Were the things I guess you always understood

So how could I have been so blind for all these years?
Guess I only see the truth through all this fear,
And living without you…

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

I can’t take another day without you
‘Cause baby, I could never make it on my own
I’ve been waiting so long, just to hold you
And to be back in your arms where I belong

Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
But everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love…

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

As the days grow long I see
That time is standing still for me
When you’re not here

Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

Goodbye?

2006-03-12T09:01:00.000-05:00

So, the past couple of days I have been debating on if I am going to keep posting in here or if I am going to slowly let it fade away by never updating it again. Part of me says to do so and the other part says no.

So, I am at a loss of what to do. I really want to stop writing in here maybe make a completely new one, that no one would probably know about .. I wouldnt erase this one, just never update it. I dont know what to do or if I will do anything.

I didn't get my taxes I am still waiting for them. Dad checked the status and it should be here sometime this week so Im hoping tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest. I don't know if I am getting to see Chris for his vacation or not part of me thinks neither of us will get to see each other. We've had trouble getting a hold of each other and talking so I am not sure if he can or not.

Well, I am going to post this. So, this might be a goodbye or who knows. I am posting one last thing at the moment its lyrics for a song that makes me cry everytime I hear it. Reminds me of someone special to me. If I decided to no longer update the blog my LAST post will be the results of my GED test but thats not gonna happen for like 6 weeks or so before I know what the scores will be since I dont take it until next week.

ERRR SLEEP

2006-03-09T02:38:00.000-05:00

Err .. why is it I can now get up at 9am or before then with the help of the alarm clock dad gave me and still not sleep at night? In 20 minutes or so it will be 3am and I am still flippin wide awake and 2 cigarettes left.

I am tired, but I am wide wide awake at the same time. Ive been chewing on my glasses just so I dont smoke so much and I probably wont get my taxes back until Friday if I am lucky. Sadly I wont really see much of it ... not like I got the 4000 they was thinking I would get back.

Just slightly over 2000 BLAH! oh well it helps out none the less just wish it was slightly more .. oddly enough if i would have worked more I would have gotten less back. I dont understand how it is done and I suppose I will never understand it.

Anyways time to go browse a few sites .. OOoo I do get to go to the mall when I get my taxes back though. Most likely the one in Winston-Salem North Carolina which is a pretty big mall. Lots of stores, but Im only going for a couple things one being something from hot topic. I dunno ... Ive been to North Carolina once sometime last week. New state added to the list lots more to go ....

Chris if you read this try to call me sometime this weekend if possible. I would have called tonight but Katie got online around 8 or so and I didnt get a chance to call she is still online (not the whole time, but it was connected to the internet) I need to know about your vacation so if you can please call

Blah

2006-03-07T13:47:00.000-05:00

Well, again I haven't posted much in the past several days, but ive been in one of the moods. Too depressed or upset to write. It sucks to because for the longest time I didn't have to really worry about being severally depressed or anything, but lately I have been.

Everything and everyone I knew is away from me. I am in a town where I only know a handful of people and I am away from the ones I love and miss seeing. Don't get me wrong I love the fact I get to spend time with Katie and get to be around with her more and I love being able to spend time with my dad since I didn't get to much growing up not like I wanted to at least. Im finally spending time with him like I dreamed of, but its just when I moved back from Wisconsin I moved for several reasons.

I wanted to be back home with everyone, I missed my siblings, my friends, my family, and I missed Chris. I wasn't with him at the time anymore, but I loved him still and I missed him a great deal. So, when I moved back and found out he still cared deeply for me I was so happy to hear that and I was so happy to have him back in my life, but yet again he is out of it once again thanks to the move.

Chris and Justice are my life and even though Justice is here with me I still feel I have something missing and thats being with Chris. We get to talk everynow and then and I'm hoping I get to go up and see him for his vacation. I know its hard on him too. We went from seeing each other a lot to barely getting to talk. Its killing both of us.

I know Chris and I can make it thru everything we have already made it thru a lot. I just can't wait to be home. Dad gets depressed being back in the Louisville area, I get depressed being away from the Louisville area.

Last night I cried myself to sleep, because what did I try to do? I tried to call my mom. I picked up the phone and dialed the number, and right before dialing the last number I realized no one would answer. If anyone had answered it wouldn't be the voice I was looking for and wanting to hear once more.

I don't know why I picked up the phone though. I know she isn't here anymore physically, but she is spirtiualy. I guess I just really needed someone to talk to and she was always the first person I would talk to about most of my problems or feelings. We didn't have a perfect relationship, but our relationship was wonderful. We fought granted, but it was in both of our nature we would collide, but at the end it would end in laughter most usually.

I just wish she could have made it to Justice's 3rd birthday. She was so proud of him and she loved him so much. I know she is better off now though, because she is no longer in pain and the other day I did find a little closer.

Doctors had said they found what could have been possibly cancer 2 months before she went in the hospital which confused me because the only time she had been to the doctor was in Decemember I believe. I was going thru some stuff and found a bill from the doctor from a visit she had back in October. So, she did go to the doctor things make more sense now because I found out and found closer that she had been to the doctor.

The one thing I wish I would have known though is what they told her. I wish she would have told me, but Im sure it wasnt easy on her. At the time they wasn't sure what it was, and decided to wait 2 months which still confuses me, and thats probably why she didnt tell anyone, but I do know one thing I love her and I miss her and everyday she is standing by Justice and me and no matter what I do she will be there.

I really wasn't planning on writing this much, but the more I typed the more kept coming out. In a way I feel a little bit better writting about it now then I would have the past couple days. I know things will work out, but the sooner I am able to move back to Indiana the better things will get.

I have to talk to the doctor when I get my medical card here. I need some medication for sleeping or something. Justice is going to bed early and we get up around 8:30 or 9am now. I can't handle not getting much sleep though. Im not falling asleep usually until after 3 in the morning and Justice is going to bed around 9 so I got to figure out something to help me sleep right. I am drinking a lot of coffee now which probably isnt good for me, but I don't care it helps me focus and stay awake even though I think staying awake is part of the problem. Maybe if I was able to sleep more I wouldnt be so depressed, because I wouldnt be awake all the time to think about everything.

I lay in bed for hours though no matter how awake I am I always try to lay down around by 1am or so. I can lay in bed somenight for 3-4 hours before I fall asleep and I always think when I am laying down so maybe a pill to help me get to sleep a lot quicker will stop me from just thinking all the time while laying down or something if that makes any sense.

Anyways I am thinking to much again I have school tonight so I better go try and study somemore. Plus if I keep up the rate I am going I am just going to keep typing until my fingers are to tired to type anymore and no one would ever be able to finish reading just one of my posts. Oo before I post this though I wrote something below in my last post earlier today that came to me last night when I tried to call.

Ok, so I am posting this know.

Keep Calling

2006-03-07T09:38:00.000-05:00

I pick up the phone and try to call
I dial the number that is ol' so familiar to me
The phone rings countless times
Still no one answers
I know the number is right
Ive called it so many times before
Whether I be in trouble, need help, or just to talk
You would always answer
Pick up the phone please
I need you
Where are you
Momma I need to talk
Im in trouble again
I cant think I cant breathe
Where are you

Tears roll down my face
I dont know what to do
Where do I go
Momma I need you
Please answer the phone
I cant go on anymore
I cant find the light
That I once knew
To find my way back to you

I love you
I miss you
I need you

I'll keep calling till I get thru

Justice is 3!!!

2006-03-03T23:59:00.000-05:00

Well, today was Justice's birthday. I didn't get to do all I wanted to for him and Chris wasnt able to be there which sucked cause Im sure he wanted to be. I made him a cake last night that dad got. It was pretty good. Madison (Madi, Maddi) came over as well her mom brought over a happy meal for Justice. Madi is Katies granddaughter.

All in all he had a decent birthday. I have some great pictures I will post up when I get a chance. Sorry I am slacking on posting. Im just really really depressed right now. I dont even know whats going on anymore so yeah :(

Today is the first time I actually was a little cheerful because of Justice, but I know tomorrow I'll be all depressed again and everything. Im miserable though I cant help it and things just aren't going how I planned.

Chris when you can please call me sometime this weekend .. If no one answers just call back we really need to talk. I need to ask a couple questions and talk to you about your vaction

YAY FOR BIRTHDAYS!

2006-03-02T13:01:00.000-05:00

Ok, so this post is a little update and a little about tomorrow. Everything I guess has been going ok here. Not much longer until I take my actual GED test and Driving test hopefuly...

I dont know whats going on with Chris and me for his vacation hopefully both of us will figure it out here soon since its coming up a day or two after my GED test.

Justices Birthday is tomorrow he will be 3 so YAY!! He has been talking about Birthday Cake all week long so yeah.

Average 574

2006-02-25T15:42:00.000-05:00

Well, here is the reason for not posting the past few days. I have some really awesome, but kind of odd news. I wanted Chris to be the first one for me to tell, but its been hard to get a hold of him. So, hopefully he gets my message and doesn't read this until after I tell him.

School is what its all about. My average for all 5 tests and such (pre-tests) was 460 in the begining when I first started. I've not been there that long either, but Tuesday he had given me some really killer tips. So the tests I took Tuesday was 440 each which isnt good because I do have to have an average of 450 or above for each test so I would have to score higher on the other tests.

So, he seen some problems and gave me some tips after the test. So, come Thursday I finished up the rest of the tests using the tips he gave me. I scored 500 on one of them and one of them I won't know the test results until Tuesday, but the lowest I can get (if my essay scores a 2) is 490 if the essay scores higher, well then my actual average will be higher.

So, your probably wondering by now what test I took that really brought the average up and that has made me completely dumbfounded. Well that would be my English one or whatever it is called. I don't know how, I don't know why, but I PASSED THE WHOLE DAMN TEST I DIDNT MISS ONE QUESTION!! SO, whats that mean? That I made a perfect 800 on that test. I thought he might have missed one or something, but I was grading it with him. I dont know how but I didn't miss a question and it has me dumbfounded.

For the first time I don't feel retarded. I actually feel a little bit smarter. The tips he gave me have actually increased my scores big time. So, if I score 490 for sure on the other test that I'm waiting on my essay grade for my average would be 574 thats a big difference from 460.

So, guess what I am going for? I am going for a score of 600-650 .. Im not trying to shoot for 800 that would mean I passed EVERYTHING perfectly and if not mistaken 600 is above average so thats what I am going for. I don't want to be hella smart, just above average.

I know I can do it and I am sure the higher the score I get the better everything will get. I might qualify for a scholarship to if they offer it here too. So, I am shooting for over 600 and I don't have far to go (who knows I might shoot for 700-750). Would deffinatly cause me to go into shock.

anyways i am off here for now

FABLE

2006-02-23T02:07:00.000-05:00

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I FUCKING BEAT THE GAME .... Which you think I would be happy about BUT, I'm actually very pissed off about. I spent a little over 18 hours or so on the game. Only two of my stats health and something else was maxed out. None of my magic (which there are a lot of) and none of my skill (archery) we'rent at all maxed out.

So, yeah back to beating the game. Thru out the whole game the story line has been killer. It's been surprising. I didn't see half the shit coming which is one of the reasons it makes it a kick ass game. My alignment between good and evil was good, so needless to say I am redoing the whole damn game and going to the evil side maybe the game will last longer. I am pissed because of the ending.

I still had quests to do, but NOOOOOO I didn't realize I was going to fucking beat it from beating the last LAST quest. I wish I would have known because I would have finished all my other quests and would have boosted up all my stats and everything. What really gets me the "boss" or whatever you wanna call the evil fucker was way to easy to beat. He was a hell of a lot easier to kill then some of the other creatures in the game.

Which I am going to beat him again sometime this week, because I will go back to MY last save point not the auto save and then finish up everything, but I am still going to start a new game and go evil. I was dissapointed with the ending though, could have been better, but over all the game does kick ass.

It has one of the best story lines I have seen in ages. The characters and everything was great. Im just so pissed that I already beat the game and it was easier with the last guy. But the story line does make up for it. Im just bummed that I beat it. The only reason I know I beat it was when the credits started rolling. Regardless if you havent ever played the game GO OUT AND BUY IT AND PLAY IT.

It will suck you in and you will be hooked then you will be pissed like me at the end, but then you will go back and play the opposite side of what you we're in the begining. Its worth it though all of me being pissed off was worth it because the rest of the game makes it worth while.

I would go into more details about everything, but I know Chris hasn't got to play it much yet so I don't want to give out everything. I personally didnt like the ending, but I am sure others do, its just not what I was expecting. You would think with 4 discs the game would be longer.

Might have been if I finished all my quests though. Ill find out I am sure though. Not sure how long it will take, but I will find out. Sorry I am ranting lol. Im tired and about to head to bed now.

BUY FABLE ITS A GOOOOOOOOOOOOD GAME I SWEAR -- all in all the game still gets a big fat 10 out of 10 ... 2 big thumbs up .. etc.. :-D

Registration...

2006-02-22T18:39:00.000-05:00

Well, I went over to the place I had to to register for the free GED test. I will be officially taking my test on March 20th and March 22nd. I'll be there from 5p until about 9p or so both days. So, I am excited. Hopefully all goes good. From now until then at school I will be busting my ass getting every tip I can use for it and working ot bring my scores up.

I called Wal-mart today to give them a work number change. I told her I wasnt 100% sure on one of the numbers, but told her I would find it and call her back with it. Which I did, but I might not find out by tomorrow if I got the job or not, because they've been having meetings and everything so she said she is behind at the moment, but is hoping to get caught up soon so she can hire some people.

Other then that dad got pizza today for lunch which was good Justice ate 3 slices and I ate 5 alltogether, but not at once. Lets just say between dad and Katie, and Max not sure how many the 3 of them had. There are 3 slices left and there was 20 to begin with. So, 9 pieces are gone and Katie dont eat much and the 3 slices that are left I believe we're actually the dogs, because all the toppings are gone from them.

I wont be able to talk to Chris much until he get internet and his computer over to his house. Once he does we'll get to talk again, but I will try and call him also on Friday or so to see if we can talk on the phone for a few at least. I miss him so much.

I spent about an hour playing Fable and an hour doing school work. I have 80 something pages in one book, 40 something in another book, and 60 in the other book to finish by tomorrow night. THATS ALL MATH TOO. So, yeah 180 pages worth of math to finish by tomorrow night. I'll probably get 120 pages done or 140 depending on which book was which, but yeah it sucks, but im going to bust my ass to try to get all 3 books done.

I hate having that much to do in less then a 48 hour period, but it will be worth it when I take my GED test and pass it. I wanted to rant a little about it though. I mean 180 pages is a lot. Its not all solving problems like that though. Reading and Math problems. Im working on Signed Numbers right now then on to Percentage then Decimal Fractions. I know for sure the Percentage is 80 something pages and I have to do them in the order he gave me. Which would be SN, P, and then DF. I didn't feel like typing them all out again..

Anyways time to go ahead and post this once again. Oo 1 week and 2 days then Justice will be 3! YAY :-D

Wow

2006-02-22T01:23:00.000-05:00

Ok, well it looks like I havent posted in awhile, but I have had reasons behind it. Ive been focusing a lot on getting everything done sooner then intended so I could get back home and be with Chris. I miss him so much and all I can think about right now is getting back home.

I took another Math and Science pre-test good news my scores didn't go down, bad news my scores didnt go up. They are exactly the same and he found one of my problems out and set down with me and had me redo the questions I got wrong and helped me break them down so I have an easier time with them.

I am still waiting on a call back from Wal-mart. Hopefully I get the job more so now that I found out my taxes are going to suck compared to what he said he thought they would be. Im not getting back around 4000 like he said which didn't make sense to me to begin with, but I was hoping. Im getting around 2400 after both federal and state is in. Im looking at about the 10th to get federal in.

So, that put a big damper in what all I needed to pay off and needed to do. So a job is deffinatly got to happen here soon. I have to get these bills off my ass because its just causing more and more money problems. Sadly wouldnt have been but certain things last year from a certain jackass caused me money problems and mom and I needed to have money for rent and everything so needless to say i have a bit of catching up to do.

Which is fine I know i'll have it taken care of soon. Its just more stress I didn't want but am getting. So, I should know something hopefully from Wal-mart by the end of the week. So, yeah wish me luck on it.

Justice has been having mood swings and its been stressful, but he is a big stress relief too. He is cooped up a lot with the constant weather changes, but hopefully will be nice out soon so he can play more outside. School is also going good I just want to get the test and everything done with

Dad found me a car to take the test in. The landlord is going to let me borrow hers to do it with. Which the plus to it is its a smaller car. Not a van and not a truck. So, easier for me. I have to get my original birth certificate so hopefully I can get everything in time before my permit expires.

I havent played Fable in awhile. I take my days with it. Sometimes nonstop and other days none at all and then days where I am on and off of it. I think its so I dont over do it and so I give my eyes and everything rest.

Chris said he might not be able to come see me at the end of March, but hopefully he will be able to. I understand why he might not be able to, but of course I am still going to wish, because I love him and wanna see him and be able to spend time with him. We got to talk for 2 hours online last night which cheered me up a bit, but when I actually get to see him again in person I will be even more happy.

Oo on my taxes Dad and Katie are both making me take out $400 or so and spend completely on me, which is not my style. I have never taken a lot of money at once to go spend on myself. They think I should buy me a couple outfits at least since my clothes selection is limited and I don't actually have much to wear.

Knowing me though I am only buying a couple outfits for myself, getting something for Justice's birthday well a couple things probably and then maybe a watch or dvd for myself. Im leaning towards a watch though I do need one. I might not though, I might just get the stuff I want for my hair and do my hair that is if I get the job at Wal-mart and approve it with them first so I dont spend money on something I will have to spend more money on just to change. Better safe then sorry, but I don't see why it would be a problem. It shouldnt be at least, but who knows.

I do however have no choice in it, but I do have to get either a clear tongue ring or tongue color tongue ring. No matter what job I have I will most likely need it. I will probably go with the flesh color one since its the same price basically as the damn clear one and I have a tendency of swallowing the clear ones since its a simple hook and not much to keep it on.

The rest of the money is going to open me up a bank account so I can pay bills and such with and to save my money in. I don't feel like keeping it in the house I rather it be in the bank I suppose. Plus I hate writing checks so I won't do that and I'll have a debt card, but will only be used if I have to get something which if I get the job at Wal-mart I won't have to use it since I'll have cash on me but not awhole lot.

So, I am probably rambling by now, but I am extremely tired. I got maybe 3 hours or so of sleep last night, which was well worth it since I got to talk to Chris. I havent been back to bed since I got up though so I'm deffinatly tired and I guess I should go ahead and post this and go on to bed even though I don't want to, but I know I need to.

Hopefully I'll get some comments or tags or something. Havent had any in awhile :( but I havent posted in awhile either.

Long Day

2006-02-15T23:03:00.000-05:00

Well, in the past couple days a couple things have happened. Tuesday I filled out my application at Wal-mart finally. Dad had to do some shopping and it wasnt a 5 minute trip so I had time to which made me happy. On the way to go find dad I ended up running into a CSM and so I talked to her for a few which she seems like a real sweetheart. So, she told me to call a certain lady which I did the next day and BOOM I had an interview there today for a Cashier postion. So, far so good. I will find out more by the end of next week. It sucks though I hate waiting I really want the job there. So, keep wishing luck on that :-D.

Tuesday I was also suppose to go to school. So, I get ready got my books and backpack ready and dad took me. We pull up the hill NO CARS so we pull up to the door all the lights we're out. So, I don't know what happened, but no doubt there was no school. I also have school tomorrow night so I should find out what happened for there to be no school. Well, I'll find out as long as school happens tomorrow. Which I hope I really want to hear how I did on the tests. The tests I have taken at home I have all failed and 2 of them we're extremely bad scores. I got 17 out of 50 and 17 our of 40 right. I think though it had a lot to do with a lot of noise though. Would be my problem because if there is noise around (lots of noise) I seem to have more trouble focusing.

I am waiting on Chris right now. Hoping we get to talk tonight. I can't call him because Katie is online right now, but I'll call him later. He is online right now, but currently away from the computer. So hopefully he comes back soon.

He is coming down here soon. Its getting closer by the day and I can't wait. I have so much to do so its keeping me busy and helping the days go by quicker and the fact that this is a short month helps out a lot too.

My friend Cat and Nate are due anytime to have their baby. I was hoping to be up in Illinios for at least the baby shower and was hoping to be there after the baby was born, but its not happening like that right now :( .. I can't wait to see pictures though. I know he is gonna be a cute lil baby. I miss Justice being that little.

Anyways I guess I am going to go ahead and post this. Ill add more later

HAHAHA

2006-02-12T00:57:00.000-05:00

Well, today has been kind of I dunno good I guess .. I got up didnt do much then went to town with Dad to get more propane ... he also got stuff for dinner. Well, they expect 3-9 inches I believe in snow between last night and Saturday. Last I check on the news our area had maybe around 3 or 4 1/2 but still have time for more. While driving into town though one of the roads just had a beautiful view. If I would have had my camera would have made for a beautiful picture.

Afterwards came home played around on photoshop and ended making something for Chris for Valentines day which I really like it I just hope he does too. I am not that good with drawing or animation, but it involves both and I done it all on my own. Hopefully he likes it though :-D Its just for him.

Ive been studying a bit for my test and what time I am not studying, job hunting, painting, or potty training Justice I am playing Fable .. IT SUCKS I AM FUCKING ADDICTED TO IT!!! I CANT STOP PLAYING IT. I don't know why, but I really like the game. I knew it was going to be good, but damn not that good. I am like 45 years old right now in the game to. I have 3 wives in 3 different areas and getting better by the minute. lol the whole having 3 wives thing though was I wanted to see if anyone of them would come after me and try to kill me, but instead they give weapons and such as gifts everynow and then.

Im not going to put everything in here though, because Chris hasn't got to play it much and I know he really wants to and I don't want to give everything away, because lord knows I have been surprised on some of the events of the game. All in all if you havent heard of the game or you have but havent got it PLAY IT!! BUY IT!! Its one of the best games I have ever played.

Anyways I am going to go ahead and post this. Go play a little more Fable and head to bed to let my eyes rest. Considering I have a blasted eye infection I guess resting my eyes would be a good idea. I have put a lot of strain on them between studying and the game. I forgot how much strain it is to do both at once or within a short period of time.

Ooo and before I forget MATT HAS TO MOVE BACK IN WITH HIS PARENTS TO WISCOSIN HAHAHA serves him right for being an ass and screwing over my son, myself, and my mom (May she rest in peace). He hurt a lot a people and the past couple weeks or so has been a bitch for him he is being kicked out and I am guessing loosing his job since he cant find a place and it all serves him right for being a jackass .. Granted it may sound mean from me, but if you knew all he done you would agree. He had it coming.

Anyways I am really getting off here now. I might just go ahead and head to bed. I am really tired and sleep would be good. Plus I get to talk to Chris later so I am excited :-D

Test Results?

2006-02-10T11:09:00.000-05:00

Well, last night I finished up my pretests. I thought I actually done worse then I did, but from what I over heard him tell someone on the phone I ended up hearing some of my scores .. None to brag about or anything, but I think all but one or two we're good passing scores. You need about a minium of 450 on each test to pass, because you have to have over 2250 to get your GED. I believe one of my scores was 470 and like two of them was 460 and one of them I believe was 410 which is a big ouch, but I believe some of them you can get by with 410 as long as your overall is over 2250, but the catch to it is you cant go under a certain score or you have to redo the whole damn thing.

Anyways I still have a lot of studying to do. I don't care if I have passing scores right now. I am more concerned with boosting my scores up more so I don't chance failing it again. Math is going to be a problem. I don't understand formulas, I hate fractions, I don't grasp the concert of Algerbra. On the other hand with the fractions he gave me a book to help me out on. I can now remember how to change a improper fraction into a mixed number and how to revert a mixed number into a improper fraction. So, that is a major improvement for me considering I havent done any of this in years.

Well, I got to go I have to go figure out what to do for dinner then I have to clean up the blasted kitchen and my room. Then I have to go study and then cook and in the process try to figure out how to get some cigarrettes. Dad and I opened the last pack we had last night and I had 5 out of it then this morning there was only one left so I am spacing out right now. Ive only had one cigarette this morning.

*ScReAmS*

Robert Frost...

2006-02-10T11:03:00.000-05:00

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Ok, well I don't know why but that really caught my attention. Let me just say the reason I put this on here or the reason I know about this is because I read it during one of my pretests at school last night. I had to read it and answer questions about it. I really liked it though so I figured I would post it on here

Grins

2006-02-08T19:49:00.000-05:00

Well, yesterday didn't go as planned either. I got up early ... thanks to dad. I got ready and all that fun shit and went up to the school. Had a little 3rd grader or somewhere in that range show me to the office. Well, 10 minutes or so later I am walking my ass back out the doors back to dads truck. Turns out the lady I talked to about the GED classes didn't bother to tell me WHERE TO GO and I had to go across town to go.

The lady in the office told me just to come back that night and I could do the tests then. So, that was much easier. I didn't want to go all around trying to find out where to do all the tests. So, afterwards dad and I went to the social service offices and I applied for Justice and myself a medical card and dad applied for his medical card as well as food stamps. Best part the words DENIED we're not part of the day there. So we got approved pretty much.

So, yeah last night was my first night of school and it sucked pretty much. I spent 1 1/2 hour of 3 doing the wrong tests, but afterwards got on the right track. He gave me the wrong ones, but Im just happy to be back and be back on the RIGHT tests now. That way I can improve and everything and get my GED.

I got to talk to Chris last night too!!!! I was so happy to get to talk to him finally. We talked on the phone for almost 2 hours last night. Here soon I am going to call him and then he is going to call back so we can talk tonight too. I can't wait!!!

I have classes tomorrow night 6-9. I'll finish up the rest of my tests and see where I am actually at now and where I need to be and what all I need to do. I also have an appointment in the morning at WIC to see if Justice can get back on WIC ... not my idea though it was dad's. I hated dealing with them in Indiana though and took Justice off of them. Its basically a program where they give you vouchers to get certain things like milk, cheese, eggs, juices and everything for the child. Which don't get me wrong its a wonderful program and they can be on it until they are 5, but I just hated dealing with them after last time.

Well, time to go ahead and post this. I have a couple things to get done around the house before I call Chris and I am going to also go dry my hair probably since its soaked from the shower. Which is really the only thing I like about the house. Its a killer shower minus the fact the water is well water and the water pressure is not one to be desired, but I do love the layout of the shower :-D

GRRRRRR

2006-02-06T19:36:00.000-05:00

Well, today hasn't went at all like it was suppose to. I didn't get up until around 10am ... which is good since I went to bed late I think, but my dad was sleeping and I didn't want to wake him up because I knew he was up a lot last night not feeling good or anything either.

Well, by the time he got up he couldn't run me up to the school so I have to do it tomorrow. Katie had to go to the chiropracter so that came first which is fine with me I know she needs to get her back and hip better so she can get back to work. Money is really tight right now here too. Which I am use too so its nothing new to me.

So, now wish me luck for tomorrow on the pretests. Tomorrow will be the day, because I am going to bed as soon as RAW is over tonight if I make it that long. I got to go for now though. I got to get the laundry done before 9pm so I can watch RAW .. anyways I guess I better go for now. :( Im depressed

Applications

2006-02-06T00:04:00.000-05:00

Well, today erm well I guess technically now it was yesterday, but yeah either way SUNDAY .. I put in two applications. 1 for applebees and the other one for LOWES ... I figured why not go ahead and do them online since its just 2 less places to go when I do applications. Most likely today I will go to Wal-mart to put one in there and maybe some other places.

I can hardly type right now. Katie and Dad gave me some phenagren to help me sleep tonight since I have been sick and since they let me sleep in until 1pm because of being sick. Which I really needed the extra sleep.

I get to go take my pre-tests tomorrow for my GED ... The good news on that is I found a place less then half a mile away from where my dad and katie live. They offer FREE GED CLASSES on Tuesday and Thursday Nights. 6-9pm which will help out a great deal, but what is realy great about it is the fact that my actual GED test will be FREE I dont have to pay the $80 I did the past two times I have taken it.

So, hopefully this will help me get it easier. From what I understand I will be going to classes until sometime towards the end of March. Then I will take my test. Which Chris is coming here the end of March for Vacation and the classes and preparations will give me something to help the time go by faster so he gets here sooner :-D.

So, by the end of March I will have my License and hopefully will have my GED to go along with it and a job. If so that means just a couple more months and I will be back in Indiana. Even if I dont have those two I will be back to Indiana soon, but Im sure I will have my GED and license which will help out a lot.

I miss Chris right now, I miss his voice, I miss seeing his smile, I miss holding hands with him, and the feeling I get when he kisses me. I love how when he kisses me and I get all tongue tied and all red in the face. Everything about him is what is getting me thru this. Thinking about all he makes me feel and how he makes me feel everything about him is going to get me thru this. I hate being away from him.

I guess I better go. The medicine is kicking my ass and I am about to pass out. I will post later again. Hopefully at least once a day or so. CHRIS WISH ME LUCK TOMORROW ON MY PRETESTS :-D

Random Survey

2006-02-04T23:57:00.000-05:00

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
01 Being Alone
02 Death
03 Being in a New Place
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
01 Chris
02 Justice
03 The Evil Laughing Duck
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I LOVE:
01 Music
02 Movies
03 Reading
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I HATE:
01 Virginia
02 The color pink
03 Ticking Clocks
-----------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
01 Pictures of Chris and Justice
02 Phone
03 Cigarettes
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
01 This Survey
02 Trying not to break a ticking clock
03 Thinking about Chris
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
01 Go To Ireland, and Japan
02 Become a nurse
03 Move back to Indiana
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
01 Make Chris happy and smile
02 Cook to a point?
03 I dont know yet
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
01 Caring
02 Confusing
03 Unpredictable
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
01 Dance
02 Drive
03 Take Tests
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
01 The ticking clock .......
02 Music
03 Chris' Voice :-D
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
01 Err President Bush
02 Britney Spears
03 Stupid people (Bush would fit with this also)
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
01 Sure
02 What?
03 JUSTICE THATS A NONO
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
01 Chinese bacon and crab :-D
02 Ramen Noodels
03 Tater Tots
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
01 A Foreign Language
02 How to Drive
03 How to Denfend myself
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
01 Water
02 Tea
03 Coffee
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
01 Batman
02 Strawberry Shortcake
03 Smurfs (heh i still watch them)
------------------------------------------------------------
RANDOM QUESTION..
1. How did you get your screen name?
huh which one?
------------------------------------
DESCRIBE YOUR..

[ x ] Wallet - Black and white with a hatchetman on it

[ x ] Toothbrush - electric and green

[ x ] Pillow cover - green and ugly but comfy

[ x ] Blanket - I have several

[ x ] Coffee cup - um .. whichone I use a 100

[ x ] Sunglasses - green

[ x ] Underwear - right now, black with yellow trimming and yellow skulls :-D

[ x ] Favorite shirt - Runs With Scissors :-D

[ x ] Cologne/Perfume - Ragdoll, but I wont be wearing it for awhile its with someone very special :-D

[ x ] CD in stereo right now - Insane Clown Posse - The Wraith

[ x ] Tattoos - 1 Hatchetman left upper shoulder

[ x ] Piercings - Tongue and ears

[ x ] What you are wearing now - T-shirt and pants

[ x ] In my mouth - Part of my shirt

[ x ] In my head - The ticking of the clock

[ x ] Wishing - To be with Chris

[ x ] After this - I'll probably post more or go to bed

[ x ] If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason - *ponders* I plead the fifth

[ x ] Person you wish you could see right now - Chris, because I miss seeing him and I miss his smile and his voice and everything about him

[ x ] Is she/he next to you - No :( I WISH HE WAS THOUGH :(

[ x ] Some of your favorite movies - Nightmare before chrismas, Corpse Bride, Going the distance, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

[ x ] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months -Chris' vacation so I can see him

[ x ] The last thing you ate - Spanish Rice, Tator Tots, and Cookies and Cream Cake

[ x ] Something that you are deathly afraid of - Being Alone

[ x ] Do you like candles? Yea

[ x ] Do you like incense? some of them

[ x ] Do you like the taste of blood? I like mine?

[ x ] Do you believe in love? Yes

[ x ] Do you believe in soul mates? Yea

[ x ] Do you believe in love at first sight?

[ x ] Do you believe in Heaven? hmmm yes and no

[ x ] Do you believe in God? I believe in some higher power, but not necessarily THE God

[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die - Organ donations...then donate the rest to science

[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - I just want a cat

[ x ] What is the latest you've ever stayed up? I've gone many nights with no sleep

[ x ] Who is someone that you really wish was still around? Chris, My mom, My Papaw

Survey

2006-02-04T23:47:00.000-05:00

1.Your Full Name:

2. Age:

3. Favorite Color:

4. Favorite Movie:

5. Favorite Song:

6. Favorite Band:

7. Most Embarassing Moment:

8. Are you a virgin?

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Are we friends?

2. Do/Did you have a crush on me, are/were you attracted to me?

3. Would you kiss me?

4. Would you ever ask me out or go out with me if I asked you?

5. Tell me one odd/intresting fact about you:

6. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?

7. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before?

8. If you heard a rumor about me, would you defend me?

9. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?

10. Do you think I'm a good person?

11. Would you call me just because?

12. Would you ever listen to my problems even if they don't involve you?

13. If you could change anything about me, would you? what would it be?

14.Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?

15. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

I ....

2006-02-04T23:01:00.000-05:00

I WANT: To be in Chris' Arms

I WISH: I was back in Indiana with Chris

I HATE: Virginia

I MISS: Chris

I FEAR: Death

I HEAR: The Tv

I WONDER: What will happen

I REGRET: some of my past

I AM NOT: a kid anymore

I DANCE: badly and rarely

I SING: in the car, in the shower, anywhere

I CRY: alot .. sometimes to much

I AM NOT ALWAYS: coherent

I WRITE: what i feel

I CONFUSE: everyone a lot as well as myself

I NEED: help

I SHOULD: get some sleep here soon

Internet

2006-02-04T20:37:00.000-05:00

Well, I havent posted anything in a few days but I have had reasons. Reasons being the move from upstairs to downstairs and we just not got the internet back on here. This won't be a long post or anything. I can't access anyone's blog right now, I will post more later though. I am really missing Chris right now and Justice is being a pain in the butt he is being bad lol. So, I better go for now get him a snack and bath and hope here soon he goes to bed. I'll post later tonight most likely though at least I hope.

Oooo I might be back on aim here within the next couple days depending on when dad puts the internet on my computer :-D I LOVE YOU CHRIS

Update

2006-01-31T12:42:00.000-05:00

Well, I am normally use to being able to update as much as I want to or when I want to, but right now it's not all that possible, but I do update at least a little when I do. Things are getting better to a point. SLOWLY, but yeah. It won't ever be home though. Home to me is when Chris, Justice, and I are all together.

I got to talk to Chris last night which cheered me up some. I really miss him and it sucks not being able to be there with him. I'm going to call him again tonight. We didn't get to talk long he wanted to watch RAW since he didn't get off until midnight he recorded it and he was tired. Which I was too. I am not only moving once in a week but twice. We're in the process of moving everything from upstairs to downstairs.

Which Cory and Daniel are suppose to do all the heavy stuff come Thursday. I wouldn't be able to nor would dad be able to. We're moving downstairs though because its more room and no stairs. The stairs here are wooden and slippery so they worry with Justice around them, which I do to. I don't need him to slip and fall or anything like that.

Max is warming up to Justice some more. They still have the mussle on him so he can't snap at him. Max is fat too now. Last time I seen him was when he was a puppy. Fat lil pig is what he is now, but still very cute. He is very protective too. I forget what breed he is. I know its Jack something .. maybe jack russle? I dont know. I can't spell either.

I did get some good news yesterday though. I currently have my learners permit which will expire come March, BUT if I get everything together that I need and get enough driving in to where I am comfortable by March I can take my DRIVERS TEST .. instead of redoing my permit test and all that. So, Im going to have my license sometime in Feb.

Which will be a big plus since that is one thing dad wanted me to do and one thing I have been trying to do for .. well along time now. Justice is sitting on pillows right now playing Nintendogs. He is starting to eat a little better then the past few days. He is wearing big boy underware now during the day rather then pullups. He knows he has to go potty, but sometimes he doesn't tell anyone so yesterday we went thru 7-8 pairs I think of underwear.

He is doing good though. I think on his 3rd birthday I am going to take him to the DMV and get a child id made for him. He would like it, plus in the case anything were to ever happen I will have an ID on me of him with his information and when he gets older he can carry one with him too so if anyone needs his information "Teachers, cops, etc.." then he will have it. Nothing will happen to him though.

He is a very smart child and I am very protective of him. I always keep a close eye on him, but Its always better to be safe no matter what plus I think a child ID is a good idea. He is a cutie. He gets to go outside a little bit more here then where I was living because we're in the middle of nowhere and there is a lot of land here. I still keep an eye on him though, I am paranoid he will get away from me real quick. He cant get far, but still.

So, I have been online for over 30 minutes and I am really not amused with dialup. I haven't went to half the sites I usually do, because its just to slow and time consuming. I just go to my blog, Chris' blog, Mojo, and I check my email. Which I am probably going to write a couple emails here in a few.

I am happy Cena got the title back from Edge. I can't stand Edge. I am glad to see RVD back too. He is cool and MYSTERIO won so thats awesome at royal rumble. Anyways I am probably rambling, and half of what I say probably don't make any sense, but oh well I know what I am saying I just hope you all understand what I am staying.

March isn't coming fast enough I wish it was already March. I know it will be soon. Once I get a job and license the time will go by a little faster. I will have more to do so will keep my mind running, but either way I guess it will still go slow, because I am waiting to see Chris. Oo I am applying at Wal-mart, Lowes, and Applebees. All three of those are in the area I will be moving back to when I move back to Indiana so hopefully all of them will do a transfer. I know Wal-mart does and hopefully thats where I get hired.

Ok, well maybe I should go ahead and post this, because if not I am just going to keep typing until I am completely rambling and not knowing what I am talking about. Plus here in about 20 minutes I have to go downstairs and unpack some of the kitchen stuff. We have to wait for it to warm up down there, so thats why I am not down there right now. It would probably be a good idea for me to get off the computer so the phone line isnt tied up.

I will post again soon.

The Move

2006-01-28T21:17:00.000-05:00

Ok, well currently right now I am writing my post from Virginia. I got here hours ago and I currently don't like it here. I miss Chris, I miss wal-mart, I miss cable internet, I miss being near everything. The trip wasn't actually that bad. I slept most of it. Meikel ended up not coming because he wasnt feeling good.
I've cried a lot though which sucks I hate crying, but I can't help it. Yesterday I cried a lot when I had to say bye to Chris and I knew it was the last time I would see him for awhile. I hope it goes by quick though so I can see him soon.
I have already been to Wal-mart. It sucks ... Its not like the one I am use to and its sad I kept trying to look for people I knew in there, but was mostly looking for Chris, so when I got back into the car I started crying, because it really set in that I am not where I want to be. Right now Justice is doing good, but its not set into him yet.
I forgot how bad dial-up sucks. This is one of the times I MISS INSIGHT even though they had been having a lot of problems, but thats ok I will be back in Indiana soon and I will be with Chris and will be a lot happier. I am sure I will end up liking Virginia after awhile, but until Justice and I are back with Chris it won't be home.
I guess I should go ahead and post this since I have a couple things to do. Not that I want to right now I am already for bed again, but I won't be sleeping for awhile. I am going to try and call Chris tonight. See how he is doing. Oo I won't be on aim until I get my computer setup and connected with the internet and everything, because they don't use aim, so I might just have to use aim express for awhile. THEY DO HAVE YAHOO THOUGH if you want to talk to me thru yahoo then add jack_and_sally21

Tears

2006-01-27T11:12:00.000-05:00

Past week or so I have been crying every night before bed, but not because my mom passed away. I know she is in a better place, but I still cry because I miss her, but at night I am crying because of another reason. The reason is because of the move.

I can't help it, but every night I cry myself to sleep, because I know the next day is another day closer to the move, but another day closer to moving back here. Today or tomorrow is the move and I dread it. I have a way to stay here, but if I do dad done said he would take Justice still and I don't know what to do. I would love to stay here with Chris and have Justice here.

And again the only real reason I am going is basically because of Justice and trying to keep months and pain of court dates and everything out of the picture. I will be back here sooner then if I had to fight custody over Justice. If I had to though I would, because Justice is my son and I would do anything to keep him and to protect him.

Right now I am waiting for Chris to come over. Katie is making homemade bisquit and gravey and some bacon, sausage, and fried bologna I believe. So, we are all going to have breakfast and finish up what needs to be. Not that I want to. Hell my legs already look like I have had the living shit beat out of me.

I left Chris a little love letter in his bag and some of my favorite things so he can hold onto them until I get back. That way he has something with him that I either use to have with me a lot. I also done a little something different to the front of the letter, but I cant say anything until he gets it, because then he would already know if he reads my blog before the letter and everything. I also left a couple other things in there I thought he would like.

I wish it was time to move back to Indiana and not to Virginia. I DONT WANT TO GO AND I WONT LIKE IT! Thats me being stuborn, but I have every reason to be. Chris is wonderful and both Justice and I love him so why would I want to go to another state that makes it to where I can't see Chris and where Justice can't see Chris. Justice and Chris both mean the world to me and without both of them its not complete.

If it came down to the whole court battle and everything it would end up getting ugly and causing hell of a lot of problems not to mention other problems involving Justice's biological father and his family I am sure. If Rose finds out about a custody battle between dad and me then all hell is breaking loose cause her fat ass will get involved.

I know I am on a little rant, but right now I am trying to fight back tears. Either choice I make its going to hurt. I have fought for Justice and I have done everything I could to protect him. Chris has always been there for me and to me he is the perfect guy. I can look at him and think about him and no matter what he is the perfect guy to me. I wouldnt change a thing about him. All I know is I am looking forward to the day I am back in his arms.

I know we both love each other and no matter what I know we will still be together. Our love is strong and unbreakable and no one can tear us apart. We might be several hours away from each other for awhile, but I know we will make it. We have already been thru a lot and I would do anything in the world for him. Soon Justice and I will be back in Indiana and with Chris.

To Chris: I love you and I will be back soon I promise

My Mom and Moving

2006-01-26T02:36:00.000-05:00

Mom was burried today. Seen a lot of family I haven't seen in years and a guy very familiar to the family. His name is Jim Nalty. He dated my mom for awhile back in the day and is one of the biggest sweethearts I knew growing up. He showed up which shocked everyone who knows him.

Justice started clapping during the scripture reading and the last prayer. He also almost knocked over mom. Since she was creamated she was in a black box ... which dont make any sense to me but I heard a couple gasps and all I know it got real close to being knocked over.

Chris and I got to spend sometime together as well. We went to KFC to eat and drove around for awhile. We ended up playing Scene-it with Meikel for awhile tonight. And out of no where in the kitchen Chris and I kissed :-D and of course I turned all red in the face, got tongue tied, and couldnt think straight, but I loved it. Everything about him I love.

If only I didn't have to move and could stay here. The only reason I am even really going is because of Justice. Because dad said he would still take him for awhile until "I get on my feet" and "grow up". Justice has gone thru a lot though and I don't want it to be a big drawn out custody battle. I am a good mother to him and I have no problems taking care of him.

I know Dad is just looking out for me and Justice, but I dont think he realizes how much I have grown up, and I know he just wants to make sure I can stand on my two feet and make sure Justice is well taking care of. All I know is I doubt I will be there 6 months. I dont even want to go, but I don't want to put Justice thru a lot, but either way he is going to go thru a lot.

Its going to be hard on him with not being able to see Chris like he is use to, all I know though is I doubt I'll be there 6 months and I can't wait to be back in Chris' arms, because I belong here with him not in VA crying and missing him. I miss him right now and still in Indiana, but in VA when I miss him I don't get to see him like both of us are use to.

I just hope Chris will be ok while I am gone and hun I will be back that is a promise I love you so much and would never do anything to loose you, because I know we're meant to be. I LOVE YOU

PS .. this was wrote on WENDS. but I had to save it as a draft and just now finished it sorry about that.

Opps Sorry

2006-01-24T13:35:00.000-05:00

LOL, Sorry the last post is well deffinatly off centered. I don't feel like fixing it, so if you don't want to read it thats fine. I was just bored and now bummed out since it didnt fit right. Thats my fault though.

Oo I didn't go to my cousins yesterday for dinner. They times and everything was mixed up so now we're suppose to do it Thursday.

Boredom

2006-01-24T13:02:00.000-05:00

You Are Rain

You can be warm and sexy. Or cold and unwelcoming.
Either way, you slowly bring out the beauty around you.

You are best known for: your touch

Your dominant state: changing

What Type of Weather Are You?

You Failed the US Citizenship Test

Oops, you only got 2 out of 10 right!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

You Are a Martini

There's no other way to say it: you're a total lush.
You hold your liquor well, and you hold a lot of it!

What Mixed Drink Are You?

Arty Kid

Whether you were a drama freak or an emo poet, you definitely were expressive and unique.

You're probably a little less weird these days - but even more talented!

Who Were You In High School?

Your Japanese Name Is...

Naomi Tanaka

What's your Japanese Name?

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Halloween Horoscope for Scorpio

Halloween is your favorite holiday for scaring and shocking others.
You like to bring out your alternate persona on Halloween - and have the night of your life.

Costume suggestions: A freaky monster or prince / princess of darkness.

Signature Halloween candy: Candy cigarettes

What's Your Halloween Horoscope?

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy.
You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts.
People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused.
But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Your Eyes Should Be Blue

Your eyes reflect: Innocence and sweetness

What's hidden behind your eyes: A calculating mind

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Survey

2006-01-23T01:35:00.000-05:00

*-The Basics-*
Name:	Helen
Birthdate:	10~23~84
Astrological Sign:	Scorpio/Libra
Eye Color:	Bluish
Hair Color:	Multi
Height:	5'9ish
Weight:	295
Righty or lefty?	both
Tattoos:	1 .. hatchetman tattoo
Piercings:	7 tongue/ears
*~Future~*
Do you want to go to college?	Yeah
What would you major in?	Nursing
Do you want to get married?	Im engaged :-D
Do you want to have kids?	Yeah, I have a 2 year old right now
If so, how many?	13 or so :-D
Where would you want to have your honeymoon?	China/Ireland
**~Favorites~**
Drinks:	Mudslide/Faygo/Mountain Dew
Foods:	Chinese, Pizza, Rammen Noodles
Movie:	The Nightmare before Christmas
Color:	Green
Actress:	Angelina Jolie
Actor:	Adam Sandler
TV Show:	Family Guy
Cartoon Character:	Stewie
Computer Game:	Fable
Video Game:	Kingdom Hearts
Card Game:
**~~This Or That~~**
Windows or Apple?	Windows
Computer Games or Video Games?	Both
Christmas or Halloween?	Halloween
Breakfast, Lunch, or Dinner?	Breakfast
Chocolate or Vanilla?	Chocolate
Summer or Winter?	Winter
Day or Night?	Night
Snow or Storm?	Snow
Thunder or Lightning?	Lightning
Full or empty?	Fully
*$Have You Ever$*
Been in love?	I am right now
Kissed someone of the same sex?	Yes
Kissed someone of the opposite sex?	Yes
Prank-called?	heh of course
Skipped school?	A couple times
Gotten engaged?	Yes :-D I am to Chris :-D
*<3[Last person you<3*
Saw:	Dad, Justice, Katie
Spoke to:	Chris' Voicemail
Kissed:	Chris
Ate with:	Family
Shopped with:	Chris
Laughed with:	Chris
Liked:	Chris
Loved:	Chris
Talked to on the phone:	Chris Voicemail
Imed:	Chris
*I ....*
am:	not normal
hate:	snakes and spiders
love:	Chris and Justice
write:	Poetry
eat:	food
confuse:	myself and others
should:	be smarter
*~~~Random~~~*
Love at first sight?	Yes
Do you drink?	Rarely
Do you do drugs?	No
Do you believe in soul mates?	Yeah :)
When was the last time you cried and why?	Today when I read a letter my mom wrote before she passed away
What's the last movie you saw in the theater?	Yours, Mine, and Ours
Who's your favorite action hero?	Batman
Do you love Star Wars?	HELL YEAH
Have you ever gone to a movie and dressed up in costume?	lol yeah that was fun
Have you ever been stung by a bee?	Yeah, when I was younger, but I have to be careful I am allergic
What's your shoe size?	12w
Do you shop at Hot Topic?	Yup
Half empty or half full?	empty
Do you shop at Wal-mart?	Of Course
Do you shop at Old Navy?	Hell No
Do you like to take walks in the rain?	yeah
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Letter from Mom

2006-01-22T21:19:00.000-05:00

My dad was going thru some of mom's things today and in her little gray boxes were two envelopes. One addressed to me and the other one to Justice. Well, I didn't read them so I had opened both and the first one I read was the one for Justice, but I didn't read it all the way, because I want to put it up for him for later when he gets older. I wanted to post the letter on here though, because it is one of the most sincerest letters I have ever gotten from her and it means a lot to me. Keep in mind it has no date on it, but I am sure it was written back in 2002, because she made some points in the letter that has to do with my son's biological father and it was nice of her to say, but we we're on bad terms starting in December 02' so I know this was wrote before then. I'll explain more at the end.

To my lovely daughter,

Honey, I have always loved you with all my heart. And I know that you and Steven are going to be wonderful parents. I will always be watching over you. When you need to talk to me do it. It will help, because our spirits will always be together.
You are a very fine person and will make a wonderful mom. You have brought a lot of joy into my life. I am very proud of you and I always have been. To me you were very special and always will be. Try to stay in Church somewhere. That is an important thing to do. And use that beautiful voice you have. I love to hear you sing.
I have faith in you. You can do anything you set your head to do. You can and will make it. I love you sweetheart. And don't be to sad Im in a better place now.
I love you very much
Mom
Hugs and kisses

What is scary is she wrote this back in 2002. She knew then something wasn't right, but she never told anyone. While my dad was going thru some of her things he came across so much medication that she was SUPPOSE to be taking, but wasnt. She had bottles upon bottles. I cried reading the letter. Even though I don't agree with mom saying I have a beautiful voice, I do know she loved when I sang. Anything I done singing wise she loved and would always support me thru everything that had to deal with singing. Any plays or productions I was in she would be there.

And again I know it was back in 2002, because that is the only time she thought Steven would be a good dad. Myself and Stevens side of the family we're on bad terms in December 02' like I said. So, I know she wouldnt say that about him after that. It hurts thinking she knew all this time and never mentioned it. I just wish she would have, but I know she is in a better place now. She is no longer suffering.

I never knew she was in that much pain. She is a very strong person and hid a lot that no one including me ever picked up on. I think the only one that knew anything was Justice. I think he might have tried to tell me she was sick or hurting, but I never picked up what he was doing. I could be wrong, but I doubt it, because everyone says children are extremely smart and can understand or pick up things that others cant. They are more tuned into things because of their innocence and age then they will be as they get older.

My mom though is a very special person and I love her dearly and even though she has passed away that will never change. I know there will be times I go to the site she is to be buried at and just sit there for hours and talk and talk. I do that now with my papaw and they will be together after the funeral so when I go to talk to one I will talk to both of them. I go at least once a year to talk to my papaw. I don't know why, but at certain times out of no where I just get up and go to the graveyard just to talk to him

I hate thinking about it though, but I know she is in a better place and no more pain. And she will never be forgotten like my papaw has never been forgotten. I know certain family members of mine after awhile just never acknowledge them. As if they never existed, but I could never do that.

Family

2006-01-22T21:13:00.000-05:00

I don't think I will ever complain about not seeing certain family members all the time or seeing them to much. Last night we had dinner with one of my aunt and uncles. She made Chicken, Mac and Cheese, bisquits, and something else. Which was all very good minus the other stuff she made.

Well today was my sister and brother in laws turn for dinner. Elle and Tom made sloppy joes, salad, potatoe salad, chips and dip, and a couple other things. She made some coffee so me and her had chocolate flavored coffee and katie and dad had regular. She made a peach pie too so all in all the food was wonderful. I enjoy seeing Elle more then my Uncle Dennis sometimes though lol. Aunt Debbie and Uncle Dennis came over too though which was a good night.

Tomorrow we are suppose to go to my cousins Joe and Maries house. We're going over probably I guess around 11 or 12. Joe was saying he was making steak and I told him I am challenging him in a game competition, because he loves video games and always wants me to come over to play, but never was able to just to play games, so tomorrow I will just for him.

So, yeah its been a busy week. I am really involved in the game Fable to cause of Chris. I knew the game would be good, but I didn't think I would be that addicted. Very very good game though. We still have a lot to do here. A lot of packing and everything and I am not to fond of it right at the moment and I doubt I will be.

Chris got to come over for awhile which made me happy. Seeing him helped a lot I miss him so much right now and I am suppose to call him at 11:05 tonight so, I am waiting. We made ramen noodles together though :-D I LOVE YOU HUN

Survey

2006-01-22T20:54:00.000-05:00

4 Jobs You Have Had In Your Life:

Cashier
Harness Assembler
Amusment Park
Bakery

4 Movies You Could Watch Over And Over:

Nat. Lampoon's Going The Distance
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
The Adventures Of Whinnie The Pooh
Nightmare Before Christmas

4 Places You Have Lived:

Sellersburg
Wisconsin
Jeffersonville
Louisville

4 TV Shows You Love To Watch:

Boy Meets World
Meet The Barkers
WWE Raw
Family Guy

4 Places You Have Been On Vacation:

St. Louis - Giant Arch
Georgia - Family Vacation
West Virginia - White Water Rafting
Wisconsin Dells - Water Amusement Park

4 Websites You Visit Daily:

Chris' Blog
Melissa's Blog
IMVU Chat
Louisville Mojo

4 Of Your Favorite Foods:

Chinese Food
Tator Tots
Cheesey Bacon Cheeseburgers
Birthday Cake Ice Cream

4 Places You Would Rather Be Right Now:

In Chris' Arms
Cesears
Community Park
In the Woords

4 Bloggers You Are Tagging:

Chris
Melissa
Erica
Myself?

R.I.P. MOMMA

2006-01-20T20:29:00.000-05:00

From the title I am sure everyone knows what happened. This morning around 8:20ish or so my mom passed away. They said she went peacefully. Dad, Katie, and Cammie we're at the hospital and shortly after they got there she passed away. She let go.

I stayed in the room in there with her for awhile. Someone I think my aunt had brought a picture of my papaw and they had put it in her hand and even though she is being cremeated, she will always have the picture with her. Elle, Dad, Katie, Aunt Helen, and I watched them bring her out of the room which is really when it kind of set in what happened, but I dont think its fully hit me yet that she is really gone. I don't want to think it, but I know its for the best I know she is no longer in pain, but its still not easy to accept.

After we came back to the apartment for a bit Aunt Helen, Dad, Katie, Justice, Cammie, Joe, Marie, Elle, Tom, and me went to Golden Corral. Food was good, but just didn't feel right. I am not sure why they wanted to go there though, but I don't understand a lot. So, at that I am going to leave it at that.

Hospital

2006-01-19T19:41:00.000-05:00

I went to the hospital to see mom. I figured I would be there for several hours, but that didn't happen. Anytime mom wakes up or even slightly wakes up she starts moaning/screaming. Which I ended up walking out of the room and going outside because I couldn't handle hearing her in pain like that. My aunt didn't help much either. She brought up the funeral and everything in moms hospital room. In front of Dad, Katie, Tony, Myself, as well as mom.

If I was in the same shoes mom was I wouldn't want anyone in the room talking like that. They say hearing is the last thing to go, so mom can still hear and she still responds, but now with just moaning/screaming. So, yet again I feel as if my aunt has disrespected my mom and the family.

I was outside for awhile. I smoked one cigarette after another, enough time to get in 4 or so I believe before anyone said anything. First the case worker came outside to leave and sat down beside me and started talking and I just finally broke down into tears. Elle within a minute or two of me talking to the case worker came to the hospital and was on her way in. Then dad and katie came out of the hospital for a cigarette.

They kept trying to comfort me and then dad said it was ok to cry and that reality had finally hit me with all that was going on with mom. He said I had been in denial even though everyone around me was telling me she wasnt going to make it. I wasn't completely in deinal I was hoping and praying she would get better and I was under the impression for several days that she was slowly getting better.

Dad said I should let the doctor go. It was an honest mistake and everyone makes mistakes. I am very well aware of that though, and it wasn't so much the doctor that pissed me off its just the fact with all that was going on that just set me off. I know it was a mistake on his part, he is human and humans make mistakes from time to time. And again thats not what set me off. It was just everying kept piling on top of everything and that just happened to be the one that tipped everything over.

Wasn't so much him just all that had been happening. I can understand where my dad is coming from though, but I was crying to much and was hurting to much to try and explain to him what is all going on thru my mind. So, they said I could leave and had Elle take me home and take my lil sister back over there.

I felt bad for leaving, but dad kept insuring me that no one was going to be mad at me and the only reason he wanted me there was just for a few so I could see mom. So, I would know and she would know that I was there.

My head is killing me right now from all the crying. Once Elle and Cammie left I started crying again and thats mostly all I have done since I got back. Im starting to realize whats happening and whats going to happen.

Hopefully no one will take this the wrong way, but when my mom does pass away I know she will be a lot better off. She will no longer be in pain and she will no longer have to go thru all she is now. I would love nothing more then to see her stay around for years and years, but if it means she would be in this much pain all the time then I don't want her to stay around anymore. I want her to be out of the pain she is I want her to be free from all that is going on.

I know some would take that as I don't love my mom or that I want her to pass away, but neither is true. If I knew she would make a recovery and that she wouldn't be in pain like she is now all I would do is wish and wish that she would make it, but again each day she gets worse. I found out from Elle that 2 months ago she had Xrays done and the doctors told her to come back in 2 months later for more because of several spots they had found. Well, 2 months later the spots they had found had been growing 4x as much as 2 months ago.

Elle is my sister as well as a nurse and she says she has never seen cancer spread so fast and I never in my life have heard of cancer spreading that fast. The only things I don't understand is when mom went to the doctor because 2 months ago I was at McDonalds and she had never went to have any tests or anything done. I am also confused on if they seen spots why wait 2 months? Why chance 2 months for something that could hurt her in the long run.

I don't understand a lot, but all I know is my mom won't make it much longer and all the family has been in and out of the hospital to see her at least one time. I wish she would get better, but from all the doctors, nurses, and family memebers telling me she wont and even if she did she would never really recover and would still be in great amounts of pain.

I know she is fighting. My mom is a fighter and I honestly think that is why she is still holding on. Don't think bad of me though for wishing my mom would let go. If I was in her shoes I would want everyone to be wishing me to let go if I was in as much pain as she is. I can't even begin to imagine what all is happening to mom or what she is feeling, but I do know I wish she wasn't in pain anymore.

She means so much to me and if I could give her one thing right now it would be to take everything away from her so she doesn't have to be in the shape she is in, so she feels no more pain, and so she can have relief.

I'm going to go ahead and post now. I just got done eating and Justice is wanting some help in eating so I am going to go feed him and clean some more. Hopefully find something to get rid of the headache. Even though my mom can't read this I just want to say one thing to her in here that I have always told her.

I LOVE YOU AND ALWAYS WILL. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. YOU ARE THE WORLDS GREATEST MOTHER TO ME AND BECAUSE OF YOU I HAD A CHANCE AT LIFE I LOVE YOU MOM!

Reality

2006-01-19T13:21:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I got to spend some more time with Chris. Justice and I we're waiting outside for Chris to come over and so Justice could play out in the snow since he had been wanting to all morning. When Chris gets here I noticed something different he shaved!! Which to me he looks good either way, but of course I really like him with a beard, I don't know why, but I have always liked his beard. I know it will grow back, but it did catch me off guard.

So, we came inside for a few then ended up running to wal-mart. We got some boxes, he bought a new computer game called FABLE which I am now addicted too, he got a cell phone case, and a phone card for his new cell phone. Afterwards we came home and uploaded the game to the computer and called out for Pizza. The pizza was good and the sweettreat thing was really really good. Well, my dad and Katie came back here sometime close to our last bit of the sweet treat.

We started talking and everything. Chris had to get Angelina soon and dad was making a lot of calls as well. Come to find out that stupid fucking doctor that told us mom was able to make the trip to VA was bullshitting. I don't know why he said it or anything, but from all I understand dad talked to our family doctor he got pissed and jumped the other doctors case, and the other doctor came in to apologize to my dad. So, needless to say she isn't going to be making the move.

Dad said she had screamed for like an hour and a half in the morning. They had given her some more morphin, but it wasn't working and they couldnt give her anymore for awhile. Now she is in what they call the comfort stage. Basically she will be constantly sadatied. Which isn't good. So, I have been hiding back my emotions, my feelings, and everything that I can hide I've been trying to do.

I talked to dad and he let me go with Chris to get Angelina and to have sometime away from Justice. I went from once or twice a week away from him to basically no time. So, yesterday was the first time since before mom went into the hospital. Which thankfully he let me go. I needed the time away from him. Plus I knew he was tired so he wouldn't be any trouble come bedtime.

So, we picked up Angelina took her home to pick up something then went to Shoe Carnival so they could go get some new shoes. After awhile she finished and we went to Krogers then out to eat at O'Charleys. Chris and I got a mudslide and got some potatoe soup and some potatoe appetizer thing. The food didn't mix well, specially with the drink. After dinner though we went back to Angelina's apartment to play a game.

Last night was game night so we was waiting for Erica to call to see if they we're going to do game night. Which we had planned on my apartment and cards, but last night was fun, because we all planned Scene-it. I think thats how its spelled. All in all was fun we all had fun. Ray was extremely wired and then grumpy. After the game we all left.

Chris and I had to run to thortons because dad asked us to pick up a couple loaves of bread. While in the car my eyes started to water up and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't hold back my emotions or tears, so I ended up crying a little and I didn't want to.

Reality is setting in that I am loosing my mom. That I am loosing the only one who gave a damn about me when I was little. My birth mom didn't want me she tried everything she could to either kill me or get rid of me, but my grandmother (The one I claim as my mom) took me in, adopted me, raised me, and done everything she could for me.

She never gave up on me and gave me another chance at life since my birth mom didn't want me. I was a mistake to her, but to my mom I wasn't she loved me enough to raise me as her own. And now I am loosing her and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I can't comfort her or take all her pain away. So, I guess me hiding my emotions and everything was helping me tell myself everything was going to be fine, she is going to be fine. Nothing bad would happen.

I'm not dealing with everything that good right now. I just want everything to be good not bad. With my mom ready to pass away, the move, and all the changes its all finally starting to get to me and I can no longer hide anything. I am scared to death right now.

I called my dad just to ask about some dishwasher soap and he said I seemed to be taking everything well right now so he was just going to go ahead and tell me. Which when I heard those words it was a giant red flag. The doctors don't give my mom any chance past today. They told him she won't make it past today and she will pass away sometime this afternoon or evening. My little sister is here right now and I am waiting on my Aunt to come get me so I can go to the hospital. I'm not allowed to cry right now though, because if she finds out she is going to be a complete basket case, and dad don't want her to know until he tells her.

So, the one time I am about to break down and not hide my emotions I can't because if I do she is going to know something is wrong. So, with me writing this right now I guess its a way for me to get everything that I have been holding back off my chest while I try to fight back the tears. She is going to watch Justice while I go to the hospital. My dad thinks I am handling everything well, but thats just what I want everyone to think.

He is always telling me that I still need to grow up and right now I don't know if me breaking down or not would be ok if it would be fine. With everything thats been going on I am completely lost on what I should and shouldnt do. Right now though I just want to break down and cry. I'm loosing my mom and I can't do anything about it. I can't stop it from happening or anything. I don't know what to do or where to turn.

All I know is my mom is said to not make it thru today, and I am loosing one of the only ones who truly cared for me as a child who took me in when no one else could or would. She means so much to me and there will never be a day that goes by that I don't stop and think about her and just think to myself how lucky I was to have such a wonderful mother in my life. To her I owe everything and I feel I can't ever repay her cause nothing would come close to it.

The only thing I could think of that would have ever come close to repaying her was Justice. Justice made her so happy and filled her with so much joy. She was a great grandmother and loved him so much. I know he knows something is wrong, but is to young to understand what all is happening. He knows his me-maw isn't here, and knows she is in the hospital, but he don't know why other then he thinks its just an owie. I know she always said her two greatest joys was raising me and having Justice here.

Granted Justice was never planned and I made some mistakes thru my past, but I could never see him as a mistake. He was here for a reason and the reason was for me to keep going and so he could help mom. He brought her so much joy.

I know this is going to be an extremely long post and I know I have probably repeated myself so many times, but I am just at a lose at for what to do and how to handle everything. I just wish there was something I could do for her right now to make everything easier. I know things are going to get bad within the next couple hours and I know my dad asked me straight up if I wanted to go to the hospital and of course I said yes. He thinks I am handling everything well though, but I know once I get there is probably when I am going to completely break down.

The next couple days I might not post, but if I do it probably won't be much. Since I still have to pack which is another thing killing me as well. I dread the move and I dread the fact that I know one day I am going to pick up the phone and try to call mom, but I won't be able to.

Yesterday

2006-01-18T13:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Chris and I got to spend sometime together. Not really any alone time, but we got to spend time together. Which right now means a lot. Due to the fact I am not for sure when the move is going to happen I want to spend all the time we can together, because I know once I move its going to be March before I get to see him :(

Doctors called yesterday also and said mom is able to make the move now which is good, but dad is going to wait to make sure she is really ready. He don't want to risk anything. My aunt is also being ERRRR she is already asking for some of my moms things. My mom is still alive and it was very disrespectful of her to aks me if she can have something of moms. As long as mom is alive mom keeps her things no one else can have them.

Chris, Justice, and I ran a couple places he got a new cell phone and I have his old one now, but I gotta buy some minutes for it, but wont be able to just yet. We also went out to Chinese which was really good and I got to meet Mellissa which was cool since I hadnt ever met her before, but I had talked to her on the computer.

It snowed last night and was beautiful :-D if only Chris and I could have gone out in it and played for awhile. I try not to think about much right now like the move. The more I think about it the more emotional I get already. All I know is I am waiting for the day I move back to Indiana so I can be home with Chris.

Slacking

2006-01-16T15:53:00.000-05:00

Well, I have been slacking on here lately. I would have posted yesterday, but wow yeah yesterday wasn't a good day and was an extremely long day as well as long night. My dad told me I was going to be staying overnight at the hospital with mom which is fine, but said Katie would be there. Well, Meikel came over and he was going to stay there with me.

Well, needless to say that didn't happen. I was there alone for most of the time. A lot of family came to visit mom and even Troy called from Oregon. Let me get back to before the hospital though. Dad and Katie came over Im not sure on the time and we talked well mostly dad and me talked. He informed me that mom wouldn't be able to make the trip. The doctors had informed him if she was to go to VA she wouldn't make it.

So, he asked our family doctor if she would make it in general without the trip to VA and he flat out said no. So, no one knows for sure how long she has. The doctors changed the less then a year part and I don't even think they have an idea of anything. My dad is still wanting me to go to VA with him even if mom didnt make it or couldnt go.

Well, I told him I had to talk to Chris first. I wanted Chris' opinion and I love Chris and wanted him to be part of my decision, because I know Chris would be honest with me on what I should do, because I am in a hard spot. My dad mentioned that even if I don't go that my son is going with them for a couple months until I can provide for him. Which really did piss me off, because the way it was said, sounded like he didn't believe I could ever give my son what he needed.

So, with that being said I have no choice but to go. I don't know how long dad and them are staying, but I doubt I'll be living myself if moms still in the hospital. I'll be damned if I go to VA and she still in the hospital. She never left my side or abandoned me and if I just up and move while she is in there then I would be abandoning her.

I don't see my dad going back like that though because he does love mom. If he does though I'll figure out something. She isn't doing to good though not last night, but she seemed to be doing a little better as morning approached. I called an hour or two ago and dad said mom ate some ice cream and is doing a little better then the past couple days. Which is good, but at the sametime I am still scared it could change quickly again. I don't know what to do.

Right now I am dead tired, but hoping Chris is able to come over today. So, I can spend sometime with him. So, Ill post more later, but right now I am going to go back on the couch hoping he gets online soon or comes over. If he gets online I will know for sure if he is coming or around what time if he can come over.

I'm hoping he can though. I will explain more later though on why yesterday was horrible. I'll try to update a little more. I would have already updated this morning when I got home, but I kind of got involved in Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories.

Tears

2006-01-14T00:41:00.000-05:00

I don't even know where to begin. So much is going on and things just seem to be getting worse each time the phone rings. Chris got off work early today because I ended up calling him letting know everything that is going on. Mom has been hallucinating a lot today and we went and seen her. Long story short a doctor was in there when we got there and was talking about doing something other then surgery for her sake to keep her from getting any worse and to try and avoid the surgery and any complications from it.

Well, I don't know what happened to the other option, but as it turns out they are going to go ahead and do the surgery. I feel like I gave consent to something maybe I wasn't suppose to, but I don't know if it would have made a difference or anything I don't know much yet about medical terms and operations, but all I know is I am scared, scared for mom.

Chris and I had also talked he thinks its best for me to go back with dad to Virgina when he takes mom. Turns out dad also thinks I should move down there as well. Its not going to be a permant thing just for 3-5 months. Just in case anything happens within that time I will be there and I will be able to spend more time with mom and learn to live on my own with Justice since dad has rented out the top portion of the house (Im guessing its a house divided into two apartments) So, I will have a 2 bedroom apartment upstairs from dad.

Which will give me time and everything to get on my feet, but if I don't go then I don't get to be with mom if something did happen, but if I go I don't get to be able to spend much time with Chris. Either way its going to hurt, but Chris and Dad thinks its best and so I am going to go. Chris said he would come see us when he was able to and once I get my license I will be coming up to visit.

I've not been back in Indiana for 6 months and now I am moving about 6 1/2 hours away. I know nothing bad will happen between Chris and I. We both love each other and even though we are apart we know things will still work out and we'll still be together and we will still be able to communicate thru AIM, email, and the phone.

I know its the right decision but I know when the time comes its going to hurt even more then it does now. If in the case that anything does happen to mom I will always know the right decision was made because we spent time with her after she moved to Virgina. It will also probably help her settle down a little easier then if we didn't move. Dad said it would also give me time to get on my feet. Get a job there while I am there, Get my license, and maybe I could actually pass my GED test. Just thinking about all thats been going on and whats going to happen is making me cry right now.

Everything is happening so fast I just hope my dad doesn't wanna move us all by Sunday. I'm hoping we are here at least till sometime next week so I can spend a little more time with Chris before the move. I'm not going to lie though I am terrified. Everything is going on thru my head. I am terrified of the move and something bad happening to mom. I know the next 3-5 months are going to be extremely tough and even once I move back to the louisville area are still going to be tough, because I will have to resettle once again back in Indiana. Although it will be easier to settle in Indiana then Virgina since this isn't the first time I have moved out of state and since I have lived here my whole life.

The main things I am worried about is Justice and Mom. Justice has been thru a lot as is for him being 2. He has moved 9 hours or so away and moved back and is moving again and in 3-5 months will be moving again. I just hope Mom is going to be ok and I will be able to help dad out with her while I am there as well. Its all going to be a big adjustment.

I deffinatly know I will be looking forward to the times when Chris is able to come see us or when we can go see him as well as when we get to talk on the phone and computer. Chris sent me the sweetest email which also made me cry, but a good cry. Its from a movie we both really really like its a part of the song which is in the movie. The movie is The Nightmare Before Christmas and the email he said had this part of the song in the email

If You Don't Mind
I'd Like To Join You By Your Side
So We Can Gaze Into The Stars
And Sit Together Now And Forever
Cause It's As Plain As Anyone Can See
We're Simply Meant To Be

It's never made me cry before, but tonight it did. Chris has helped me out so much and means so much to me. Without him and without Justice I wouldn't be standing right now. The two of them are my world. Chris has spent several nights with me while everything has been happening and like tonight he got off work early so we could go see mom since neither of us know whats happening or whats going to happen. He completes me and without him I don't know what I would do. I love you so much hun thanks for always being here for me and of course I will miss you every day every minute like I do now, but I will miss you and will be looking forward to when you come down. I love you!

Cigarettes!

2006-01-13T15:00:00.000-05:00

Well, Nanci came over and just left a few minutes ago. She stayed for a bit to let school traffic die down some and so we could talk. She ended up buying me a carton of GPC since they were out of GT Ones which is fine a cigarette is a cigarette when you really want one. She wouldnt tell me how much though she wouldnt let me pay her back which I feel bad about, but I am sure I will find a way someday to repay her. Who knows she might need a carton sometime and I can do it then :-D

New Room

2006-01-13T14:00:00.000-05:00

Well, I ended up laying down with Justice last night slightly before 11pm so he could fall asleep a little easier. Well, thats the last thing I remember until about 6:30 in the morning when I got a call from the hospital. My first reaction of course was that something bad had happened because it was so early.

Well, they we're just calling to let me know mom was transfered into a new room. So, that was a big relief off of my chest. I got online for a few then went back to bed. Then while in bed it starts to lightning and thundering so I hide my head under the pillow trying to think of something else.

Anyways I woke up around 10 something this morning with Justice. Not long afterwards Elle called me and talked to me about the hospital. Turns out the reason for mom being moved was because sometime during the night she decided to pull out her IV and take off her oxygen again. So, they moved her closer to the nurse's station to keep a closer eye on her.

I just got off the phone with a family friend I called to update her on mom after I had called her mom. Someone else told them whats going on so I updated them on whats going on with her. I also asked if it would be possible for her to pick me up a couple packs of cigarettes and I would give her the money for them when she gets here. Well, she is going to go pick them up now and then come over, but said not to worry about it.

Either way I will try to repay her back for getting me the cigarettes even though she didn't have to, she is a sweetheart though and her two sons are a trip. She just lives right up the road from me at another apartment complex. She told me though we're expecting more storms and then afterwards we're suppose to get an inch of snow. WHAT THE FUCK .. STORMS AND THEN SNOW?? I am all for the snow, but not that storm. This year and last years weather has been really really weird.

Anyways time to go ahead and post this. I get to make a nice dinner tonight for Justice, Chris, and me. So, hopefully both of them will be able to eat solid food tonight. Justice seems to be doing fine right now. Hopefully Chris is doing better I know he has to work 2-11 tonight and hopefully he will be over here after work. I feel so bad for falling asleep. I don't know if he tried to get a hold of me or not after I layed down with Justice.

I think I might have kind of been a bit annoying last night. With my neighbors and the cops and all I ended up calling him twice and emailing him twice. The first time I called though was to see how he was feeling and seeing if he was any better. I just don't like the thought of knowing guns we're mentioned yesterday, but I want Chris to feel better.

Sleep Results

2006-01-12T20:34:00.000-05:00

I took a test to determine some of my problems with sleeping and well, here are the results so maybe I should talk to my sister see if she knows anything to help me with that. BLAH

You show symptoms of sleep apnea, a potentially serious sleep disorder. People with sleep apnea quit breathing repeatedly, often hundreds of times during their nights sleep.

You show symptoms of insomnia, which is defined as a persistent inability to fall asleep or stay asleep.

You show symptoms of periodic limb movement disorder, a disorder resulting in uncontrollable leg or arm movements during sleep.

My Son..

2006-01-12T20:32:00.000-05:00

And yet again the diaper is off and he is in front of the tv butt ass naked going "MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW" ya know like the Meow Mix commercial goes? Well, yeah he is watching the commercial butt ass naked meowing

Stupid Neighbors ...

2006-01-12T20:10:00.000-05:00

Well, Justice went without a fight on the pullup and I picked up most of the living room that I hadn't finished yet. Still a little on the floor, but not as bad as it was. Anyways this is just a short post, I go out the door to check to see if we had any mail since I couldn't remember if I had checked yet or not. Well, I open the door and what do I see? 2 and I repeat 2 COP cars. WHY?!?! My guess is my next door neighbors are up to something again. Seeing as the guy beat the shit out of some guy over something and then not even a couple days later cops are back out only for me to find out at work that MY SO CALLED NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR PULLED A GUN OUT. So, I am kind of spazzing out a bit right now. I hate being alone specially with Justice since I don't know whats going on, but I have heard they little boy they have together scream several times, so I havent a clue

My Mood ..

2006-01-12T19:45:00.000-05:00

I don't know whats going on right now I am half here and half in another world I think. I am running on hardly any sleep and should have stayed up with Chris last night would have probably been a little bit easier. I didn't sleep well anyways and probably was pointless to try to sleep.

Yesterday was a bitch. My aunt was running her mouth and everything and ended up putting me into tears. Long story short she made it sound like I didn't care about my mom (grandma) even after all she done for me thru my life. Which for the ones that don't know, my grandma adopted me at birth and to me she is my mother. Always has been and always will be. She saved me from a life of hell and has always been there for me.

What my aunt said yesterday was uncalled for. To top everything off, my mom might be taken to Virginia to live with my dad and new step mom. Chris, Justice, and I have been running in complete circles. Yesterday to get medical information on my mom from the family doctor we had to go from the hospital to the doctors office, then back to the hospital and have mom sign it, then back to the doctors office, before they would tell me anything.

Well, turns out most of the nurses had been telling me things and none of them we're making any sense and were not adding up. So, I finally found out from our family doctor. Long story short on that because I can spell half of what I need to. They found a knot either by her lung or on the inside. They believe it is a tumor and they are trying to find out for sure as well as to find out it is cancerous.

Half of the time she makes no sense when she talks and the pnemonia is really bad. She don't listen to the nurses or doctors so they like someone to stay with her at all times, which is hard for a lot of people in the family. I have Justice and its hard for him to be there long hours on end, Elle is a nurse and has to work and go to school, the aunt has her things to do. Elle and aunt Carol has stayed with her though.

I was suppose to today, but again today has been a lot of running for Chris, Justice, and me with Chris and me on very little or no sleep at all. He was up all night and sick and I wish I could help him feel better, I hope you feel better soon hun. We get to the hospital though and I get Justice only to realize he is soaking wet. Yeah he never does that. He pees the bed everynow and then, but never in his pants like he did today. So after thinking and debating we went back to the apartment.

With all thats going on I don't want CPS called over wet pants and he needed a bath. Well, not long after Chris dropped us off at home Justice got sick. Mom always told me things work in mysterious ways and this would be one of the times. I don't know what I would have done being at the hospital and Justice get sick like that and mom being sick and everything.

I feel so bad for not staying with her I really wanted to. Granted I still have a slight sore throat, but I don't think its anything bad, but with her having pnemonia and justice getting sick I don't think it would have been a good idea.

Justice right now isn't being too good. I took maybe a 10 minute nap only to find the front room (after I cleaned it again) to be completely chaotic. Cans we're all over the kitchen again, and right now he is standing in front of the tv butt ass naked. He just randomly took off his diaper. So, that would be my cue to get off here and hope he will put a new one on without a fight.

Oo, I made jello for Justice and Chris for tonight and part of tomorrow. Hopefully Chris will be able to come back over tonight. I made cherry and some kind of blue jello which I thought was blue raspberry, but had some other name I dunno.

I'll post more later though

SCREAMS

2006-01-10T20:19:00.000-05:00

Well, I don't know all thats going on with mom right now. She might be having surgery tomorrow. They found a small knot around or on her stomach not sure which and they believe it to be a tumor. Well, they are going to find out tomorrow. So, you know I was calm, until I talked to dad. He told me not to be alarmed but to prepare myself for the fact it could possibly be cancer. I really didn't need to hear that today. I am already spazzing out and when he told me that it just sent me into my panic mode.

The only reason I was calm before hand was because mom sounded a lot better, other then being tired and not much strength and the lack of nicotine she seemed happy. I never thought of the possibility that it could be cancer. So, until I find out something I will be spazzing out and probably not sleeping much again. Last night I actually slept though.

Chris won't be over tonight after work. He isn't feeling to good. When he left here before work he was going to run home and get ready and he said on the way he just kept getting sick. Which I hope you feel better soon hun if you need anything let me know. He said if he feels better he will be over in the morning so I really hope he will be able to come over. We're suppose to go see mom tomorrow also.

Since, talking to my dad I have been on a cleaning streak thanks to the panic attack. I had just gotten out of the shower and gave Justice a bath when he called. After getting off the phone I cleaned up the dishes and started the dishwasher, Soaked a rag in bleach so I could clean the toaster, coffee maker, and can opener. I cleaned the counters, the stove, the fridge (yeah it was still clean from the other day), swept the floor, tied of the garbage, and here soon I will be cooking something for Justice and moping the kitchen floor. After that I will be working on the front room. I'll probably be like this all night.

I have weird panic attacks, I either start hyperventilating, cleaning like a freak, or pacing the floor for hours on end. I don't know what to do when I have panic attacks and I know right now I am rambling which isn't nothing new, but I tend to ramble more with panic attacks. I've never been able to control them to well, but as I've gotten older they happen less, aren't as bad as when I was younger and not as panicy.

Again sorry for the rambling I just don't know what to do. I keep trying not to think about all the bad things that could be found out tomorrow, but I can't help it. This is one time I wish dad wouldn't have called, because I wouldn't be spazzing out/freaking out. He also had to tell me about how him and Katie went thru this with a friend here recently. Stomach tumor that was cancerous to a friend of theres they removed it, but three months later he passed away. So, thats another reason I am spazzing out.

I have also been told if anything does happen to mom. The only family memebers I can allow in the house is Uncle Dennis until Dad gets here, because he said the family would come over and rumage thru everything and take what they want. Something about mom put dad in charge of all of that, which she never told me. So, I can only have 3 people in the apartment until dad gets here in case anything happened. Those 3 are Justice, Chris, and Uncle Dennis. I told dad Chris had been staying with me and helping me thru everything and he said he was glad about that and that Chris was allowed in the apartment no matter what.

Even if dad would have said no I would have still let Chris in though, because Chris and Justice are the only two people who have helped me thru everything so far. Justice being himself has helped a lot and Chris letting me talk or just him being here has helped so much. Tonight is going to be a long night and I wish it was already morning.

I don't know what I am doing or what to do. I am probably repeating myself but at the moment I can't remember what is above the paragraphs that are visible to me. So, sorry if I repeat anything and sorry this is so long. I only meant for it to be a small little paragraph, but the more I type, the more I think of, and the more I say.

Bush

2006-01-10T13:32:00.000-05:00

I hate tv sometimes. Now I know tomorrow Bush will be in Louisville. Why does he have to come here? A lot of people and I mean A LOT hate Bush he is a bad president there are even forums for anti-bush .. so WHY COME TO LOUISVILLE

Anyways I am deffinatly staying away I don't even wanna see him yet alone hear him or see him throw up his W. Ok, so I am done with the little rant. WHY

New Years Revolution

2006-01-09T21:26:00.000-05:00

EDGE YOU FUCKING BLOW!! Ok, well now that is said lol. I hate Edge so much and I can't believe after all Cena done and all he accomplished last night that no one else was able to he got screwed over thanks to Edge .. Oh, well come Royal Rumble THE CHAMP will be back.

I was disappointed a bit in the pay-per-view though. I was hoping it would have been a lot better then it was. The King beat "Gregory Helms" Ashley won the Bra and Panties Match .. STUPID TRIPLE H is such an ass and defeated Big Show even though Big Show should have won. Visera was defeated by Shelton Benjiman, thus ending his loosing streak, only to find out the purse his mom hit Visera with had a nice big ol' brick in it.

So, yeah only really good match is when Cena won and beat the odds, but was ruined right after the win. Can't wait for him to be The Champ again. Anyways time to post this so I can watch the rest of Raw .. LITA the SKANK and EDGE the ASS are "suppose" to have a wild freaky sex session, which if so thats just fucked up, aint no body wanna see either of them do anything. Already bad enough there PDA is disguisting .. NEWS FLASH YOU TWO THATS NOT HOW PEOPLE IN LOVE KISS

lol I dunno I get really into wrestling sometimes. She is a skank and of course screwed over Matt Hardy which is sad. Matt Hardy is cool. But yeah if Cena "breaks" up the little celebrating lets fuck on tv in the middle of the ring between Edge and Lita tonight then he can't have the rematch at Royal Rumble.

WHERE IS THE NEW GENERAL MANAGER OF RAW?? IM TIRED OF SEEING MCMAHON

Mom

2006-01-08T13:49:00.000-05:00

Mom called again and I don't know if I put this in the last post or not, but she also has pnemonia and again how the doctor missed that I don't know. She is on blood thinner also right now and she said her blood pressure is up. They have her back on heart pills and she said tonight or tomorrow or something she will be transported over to Jewish Hospital.

I took about a 2 hour nap in general not all at once, but its a little sleep. Justice has destroyed my bedroom and the front room, but nothing a little cleaning won't take care of. I just got out of the shower I figured it would relax me a bit. Im about to go on a search for some pills .. Ibprofen or something to help my headache.

I called her before I got in the shower though ... thats when she told me about the medicines. She is on something else, but not sure what it is and can't remember why she needed it. But something else is wrong she said, but she couldnt remember.

Heart Failure

2006-01-08T07:46:00.000-05:00

Well, mom called me about a half hour or so ago now. She said she is being sent to another hospital, but doesn't know which one yet. She said she is having heart failure. So, most likely she will be going to Jewish. I tried to call my dad, I tried to call my uncle, I called my sister and she was the only one to answer. She said once I find out the hospital to call her and she will take me over there. I don't think Justice needs to see her hooked up to everything. I don't know what to do. Right now I feel so alone and at a loss of what to do.

I just got a hold of my Uncle and he told me when I had all the information to call him back and he'll get a hold of dad. Which I called my dad about 20 times or so, so he is going to know something is up so I'll have to tell him when he calls. I'm so scared right now and while on the phone with mom she said "Promise me if anything happens to me you will take care of yourself and Justice" those words kill me just even thinking about it.

I know we will make it, but right now I can't even think about the possibility of her not being here. She has always been there for me and she was the only one when I was little who cared enough about me to take me in even though she didn't have to. I could have been adopted by another family, but she adopted me. She isn't only my mother, but my grandmother.

What scares me more is this is her second reference about her dying. About a week or so ago she said she feels like she is dying that its her time. I hate being alone and right now is one of those times I wish someone was here. Justice is here, but I think I am scaring him because I'm crying my eyes out and he doesn't know whats going on. I really wish I had someone to talk to right now. I don't know what to do

Hospital and Bedwetting

2006-01-08T05:07:00.000-05:00

So, tonight has been hell. Mom is getting worse and has had trouble sleeping all night. I put Justice to bed and by 9pm he was sleeping like a baby. So, mom finally goes back upstairs and gets in her bed and around 2:30 or so here comes Justice downstairs crying.

Turns out he was completely soaked. He peed in the bed which is no big deal. Its an easy cleanup, but poor baby was cold and upset which I don't blame him. So, I cleaned him up and dryed him off. And at the moment he is on the couch watching Garfield and Friends while drawing on his little elmo and cookie monster doodle thingy.

Well, around 4 or so mom woke up and came downstairs. She looks even worse now then before going to bed. Finally convinced she left to go to the hospital. I got Justice's car seat out of her van in case she does get admitted .. I hate being home alone. Granted Justice is here, but I don't feel safe right now and if she gets admitted I'm sure its going to be for about a week or so if not longer. So, I don't know what I am going to do.

I want her to get better though at the rate she is going its not good. It gets worse daily and all she does is complain and complain. I can say a simple hello and I get my head chewed off for copping an attitude. So, I deffinatly hope they find out whats wrong and to at least have her feel better then she does right now.

I know sleep is going to happen much today probably. I'll catnap around here and there, but thats it since I don't know whats going on I can't really sleep sleep until she calls to tell me if she is being admitted or until she gets home, because if I go to sleep I will be completely out and Justice can either get out or mom can't get in. Depending on if the chain is on or not.

Coldness

2006-01-07T17:58:00.000-05:00

Well, I had enough change left to go get Justice something to eat at McDonalds. So, we walked and walked and he just laughed most of the way there. He was all bundled up so he wouldn't get cold and my cheeks we're red by the time we got there and guess what ... his we're normal color and if you would have felt his cheeks like a couple of the girls at McDonalds you would have never known we walked because he was as warm as he would normally be.

So he had fun which was good. He is rolling around the floor right now playing with his play-doh scissors or whatever he wants to call them. Pair of child safe scissors out of a playdoy kit. Laundry is done, desk is clean, fridge is clean and thats all that got done. Only because the walk killed me because I am not use to pushing the stroller as well.

Oo Brad seen me walking on his way home from work and stopped me at the old gas station thats been gone for who knows how long now. I told him he better put in a good word for me if they ask him and he said he would do even better then that and bring my name up tomorrow and put in a good word. So, I'm deffinatly hoping for the job. Sounds great.

Well, time to let mom on while I relax a bit. I will post later if anything changes or comes up. I don't know why just for some reason I feel like writing and the past couple days has been the same. Oo, dad and katie are looking at a house they might possibly be moving yet again. I dont know why though they move a lot lol nothing new for my dad I guess. Moving is his middle name

Cleaning

2006-01-07T14:49:00.000-05:00

Ok, so today is laundry day yet again. Which this time is fine, because I am doing it by myself and not with mom. I don't mind cleaning, cooking, or doing laundry. When she has to go to the laundry with me though its awhole new journey.

So, I have already got all the clothes washed. They are now in the dryer so in about 45 minutes I will go check them and if needed put more money into there so they can dry completely. I have $4 bucks left so I should have a dollar or so left as long as none of them are too stuborn and refuse to dry like last time.

Anyways if I have a dollar or so left I told Justice I would take him for a walk and possibly get him a cheeseburger or something depending on if there is any money left which I don't think I will have enough. Either way we are going for a walk well, I am walking and he is going to enjoy the stroller ride.

I smell like bleach because I bleached the fridge out. Tea stains from moms tea was all over it. So, I figured it was time it got cleaned. The outside is pretty much snow white now and as is the inside. Looks brand new once again. BUT stupid me went to go put the tea mom made for me in there and I spilled some of it so I had to clean it again .. Oh well its clean lol.

I guess I should go ahead and post this and finish cleaning. For some odd reason I am in a complete cleaning mood which means I won't stop till I finish or until I become to tired or annoyed with it. I'll mostly finish it though all I am really doing is the Bathrooms, Kitchen, Front Room, and my closet. Of course laundry and I gotta put it all away, but thats fine. I might vaccum all the rooms too who knows. Anyways time to post it now so I can be finished when Chris gets off work :-D

Hmmm

2006-01-07T12:22:00.000-05:00

Well, I know one thing I hate being woke up by the warning sirens more so when I am actually having a nightmare of being in a stupid ass tornado. So, yeah I woke up with panic on my mind. Once I actually had my eyes fully open and I could see easier I realized it was sunny out, saturday, and noon. So, that was a lot better. But, geez I hate waking up to warning sirens when dreaming of tornados lol its a bad mix.

So a couple days ago I had submitted some of my writings on mojo. Only two of them. Please! Help! and Judgement. Please! Help! was the one I thought would be rejected if either of the two was to be, but when I got on not long ago Judgement had been rejected, and the message was kind of weird I guess. I figured if it had been rejected it was for something bad, but I will post the original down here and then the message I got for why it was turned down.

Why do people have to judge others
The way they dress
How they talk
The way they look
How smart or dumb they are

Why does all that matter
It doesn't make them who they are

So, I dress in all black
I listen to weird music
I'm overweight
And I'm not all that smart

But that doesn't change who I am
Just because I do things differently
Im just the same as everyone else

But no one sees it
There to busy judging me
Why can't they just accept me

Ok, so that was the original form of it. I haven't updated it or anything on here, but here goes the message I recieved.

Your Writers Showcase Article Has Been Deleted
Title: Judgement

Moderator Notes: I have a feeling that there's more to say here. Take this poem, think on it, expand on it, then resubmit it.

So, what I am guessing he/she didn't feel I had everything there I needed to say. Oddly enough I never thought of it, but I am glad they messaged me back and it was rejected will give me time to completely finish it. Does anyone else agree with his/her decision. Is there more I should have said? I thought if mine was to be rejected I had something bad in there, so needless to say when I got this I was shocked to learn it wasnt because of anything bad, but just because they felt I hadnt said fully what needed to be. And again I am glad they told me. Gives me a chance to fix what I left out and helps me out with my writing.

Lyrics and Such

2006-01-06T23:48:00.000-05:00

Well, first I'll go ahead and say. There are two posts under this one with Lyrics which I'm sure you all would have already figured out, but one is called "The One" which is done by Shakira. I don't know why but I like some of her songs and that happens to be the main one I like. The other one "Hand in my Pocket" I am sure most everyone knows, but its Allanis Morrisette. I can't spell right now. I heard it on the radio yesterday I think and I have always like the song.

Today has been a weird day. Mom let me take an hour to myself last night which I used to soak in the tub. So, I went to bed around 1 or 2 am. Not completely sure when it was. I woke up around 11 something I believe and came downstairs got online and so on. I called the electric company and right now they have no shut off date for the electric which is good right now. She said to call back around the 20th to make sure since the bill is due the 11th. Hopefully I will have a job by then waitressing so I can make tips to pay the $90 something to keep it on. If not its back to the trustee's office.

I got ready and got Justice ready and then we went to the Wel-fare office so I could explain why I didn't have proof of income from Spherion. I signed a request sheet so she could get the information and she asked who his father was when I told her I had no proof of child support because there was none and without thinking I blurted out his name.

Which could be extremely bad. I always try to think the best of things, but this is one thing I can't think the best of right now. In Wisconsin I had no choice but to give them his name, but that was fine I was hours away and not really worried, but I am on stomping grounds again so he is a lot closer then he would be when I was in Wisconsin.

I am not scared of him by any means, its his mom I am scared of. The only thing I hate Steven for is lying, not being there for Justice, and not helping out. Oh, and leaving my son with his wife who lost custody of her own two children only to have him come back home with bruises and terrified of a lot of things. So, yeah I don't want him, his mom, or his wife near my son.

I am protected over him and I'll be damned if I put him in danger, but sadly that could possibly be what I done earlier. If they do what Wisconsin was trying to do then that means they will try to locate him and basically the whole court and child support happens and thats what I have been avoiding.

When I was in Wal-mart getting a row of quarters for laundry for mom I was talking to Angel about it and she said I should do the newspaper thing which I forgot how she worded it, but because for 3 weeks I run an ad trying to look for him in the process praying to God he never answers the ad. If he doesn't then I take the proof to the court house and Steven will NO LONGER have parenting rights to Justice.

So, I asked Chris if he would help me and he said yes. I am terrified though. What if he answers the AD, then what happens what do I do. I don't want him near my son, and I knew this would happen sooner or later. I just don't know how to handle it yet. I know its going to be hard for me to think about the postive things that will result if this all works out how I want it to, but for his safety all the bad things are going on thru my head to.

Would it be easier for me to do the newspaper thing or chance the wel-fare office finding him and starting a long battle for Justice's well being. Again its not Steven I am worried about it's his mother. She is a lying, vindictive bitch. She told me while I was pregnant if I didn't move from my mom she would make sure I lost my son one way or another, which when I talked to my lawyer he said that it was a valid kidnap threat, but I didn't have enough evidence for a restraining order. She has made so many threats and yet none have come true, but until Steven has no rights I will worry.

I just hope things work out the way I am hoping and the way I know everyone else is hoping. I have so many who say the newspaper is the best idea and so many are supporting me on this. I know it's got to be done though. So, Justice can have a normal life and so I don't have to worry that one morning I am going to wake up and Justice will be gone.

I am probably over reacting, but at the moment I can't help it. I'm trying to stay strong and trying to think positive. I will be praying every night that this will all work out how it needs to and to where Justice will have a normal healthy life versus being with them.

The One

2006-01-06T23:39:00.000-05:00

So I find a reason to shave my legs
Each single morning
So I count on someone
Friday nights to take me dancing
And then to church on Sundays
To plant more dreams
And someday think of kids
Or maybe just to save a little money

You're the one I need
The way back home is always long
But if you're close to me
I'm holding on

You're the one I need
My real life has just begun
Cause there's nothing like
Your smile made of sun
In a world full of strangers
You're the one I know

So I learn to cook
And finally lose my kitchen phobia
So I've got the arms to cuddle in
When there's a ghost or a muse
That brings insomnia

To buy more thongs
And write more happy songs
It always takes a little help from someone

You're the one I need
The way back home is always long
But if you're close to me
I'm holding on
You're the one I need
My real life has just begun
Cause there's nothing like
Your smile made of sun

You're the one I need
You're the one I need
With you my real life has just begun
You're the one I need
Nothing like your smile made of sun
Nothing like your love
Nothing like your love
Nothing like your love

Hand In My Pocket

2006-01-06T23:26:00.000-05:00

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

What it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab...

Smackdown

2006-01-06T23:18:00.000-05:00

Ok, this is a rant about Smackdown. Tonight they really pissed me off. I sometimes the storylines are fucked up. Look at the whole Batista and Melina case. SHE HAD SEX WITH HIM and why she is saying sexual harrasment is beyond me. I don't like Batista that much, but him and Mysterio whom I do really like got screwed out of the championship yet again. FUCK YOU MARK HENRY (I think thats his name)

The other thing that pisses me off is Matt Hardy and JBL I really really like Matt Hardy and I hate JBL with a passion, but nooooooo they can't let Matt win stupid jerks. If you can't tell I for some reason really like wrestling. I prefer to watch RAW over SMACKDOWN, but I watch both only because smackdown has a couple people on their I like.

Simion Dean can burn in hell to. His little stupid gimmic is just retarded. I do like the boogeyman for some odd reason. He is deffinatly different and its funny how many are terrified of him. I don't like Beniot, I like Booker T. I don't like Orton, but I like Undertaker.

I don't know why but ever since I can remember I have always like The Undertaker. Orton is just an ass. He has made some really messed up comments awhile back. Although none as bad as Kurt Angle, but thats a whole new rant.

I know a lot of people will disagree with me, but oh well its just my opinion. I just hate how smackdown has really shitty storylines at times well most of the time, but yeah anyways I am done with the rant for now.

LAYOUT...

2006-01-06T23:15:00.000-05:00

Ok, so yeah I changed the layout if you havent noticed. Its the only one I could get to work the way I wanted to, but its still not completely what I was looking for, BUT I do like it. I want honest opinions though. Should I keep this one or should I find a different one? I want anyone who reads my blog to be good with the layout. Since for awhile I was picking annoying ones like the butterfly one I really liked until I found out there was music on there lol.

So, yeah please let me know what you think of it. Whether you like it or not I want to know. Granted I really dont have a black past I like the layout lol. So, yeah :-D lemme know

???

2006-01-06T00:38:00.000-05:00

Well, past couple nights have been good minus Chris' car breaking down which is still confusing it started up the next day, but keeps dying :( We played cards tuesday and wends. night which was fun. Erica and Ray came over. Last night though not sure who won. I messed up my score so either I won or Ray won.

Justice was being cute going around Chris' and my neck saying "Love You Too" specially when he was in trouble. I am really tired right now and going to go to bed here shortly. I have spent an hour or so trying to find a new layout for my blog. I found one, but I don't like it anymore lol. I guess cause it took me awhile to figure out how to get the comments and everything to work on it, but I think I have finally figured that much out, but who knows.

Once I change it again though it won't be changed for awhile. I am tired of going thru blogs. I loved my last one, but I couldn't access my past posts. Which sucks because I cant go to my history. Anyways I went an put in an application at Steak and Shake today so hopefully by Tuesday I will hear something.

Will have a fun day tomorrow going to the welfare office, trying to get my wallet, and the trustee's office if needed be. Anyways I will post this now and add more later. My mind is slow right now plus I keep hearing yahoo buzzing cause one of my friends just keeps messaging and messaging lol

My Mom

2006-01-03T17:10:00.000-05:00

My Mom

So, my mom isnt doing to well and a lot of her children are taking notice, all of us knowing something isn't right. My dad mentioned it could be Dementia which from what I've been told and what I've read thats exactly what it is.

Her moods change constantly, she is extremely aggitated at times, she forgets things so easily and often. She ended up going to the doctor today and he says the reason she is in pain could be from where she fell about a month or so ago. He want her back in two weeks and if she isn't any better then he is going to have some heart tests done on her. Which scares the hell out of me.

I don't understand why he would even wait and chance it if it is her heart again. She has already had a heart attack and two strokes. He got her another prescription for her heart pills, which she don't take right either.

I've been trying to figure a way to keep my tongue silent when she gets in one of her moods and its extremely hard to do, so if anyone knows anyway for me to let tension go and to help support her please let me know.

Food

2006-01-02T13:22:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I am in a lot better mood now. Mom is back from the groceries and I did end up laying down for a bit. Justice managed to move my chair out from the door and escape which I wasn't sleeping sleeping so I instantly woke up when he done that.

Which was good because mom had just gotten home a few minutes ago. Ironically she said she knocked, honked the horn, and yelled, but yet I never heard here. Justice moves a chair and opens the door and I instantly wake up. LOL

She spent a bit of money on groceries. She got a lot of things I cant eat on a diet, but I'll just have to cut back on what I eat I suppose. I won't let myself go over a certain amount of calories and what not. I'm not jumping into this full force just yet though. I wanna build it up slowly. She got that stupid alfredo and chicken and pea stuff I can't eat. I don't think Justice will even touch it, but she can. She got nothing but bologna for sandwhiches. She got a lot of hot dogs, a box of cereal, hamburger, chicken without bones YAY!!! and fishsticks ick .. lol

All in all she done good without me there. I just wish she would have listened a little more to me on some of the things we did need and everything, but oh well. Next month regardless of what she says IM SHOPPING for the groceries. :-D

Well, I guess its time to get fully dressed since I slipped into something more comfortable when she left. Now she is yelling at me to take the garbage out. So, I am going to do that and get Justice ready to go to wal-mart so we can get him some diapers.

ERRRR

2006-01-02T11:14:00.000-05:00

Errr, why is it when I am actually sleeping good someone has to go and ruin it? Well, needless to say I haven't had very much sleep. I got woke up this morning the first time by mom calling me on the phone. Saying to get up and get dressed Brad was here. SCREW IT IM GOING BACK TO SLEEP! So, whenever she called again I didn't answer. I was covered up completely and was completely dressed, so no big deal if he came up.

He came upstairs and said he had a favor to ask me he wanted to borrow some money that I just don't have and then told me to go apply at steak and shake he starts there tomorrow. So, of course I am going to apply because when I went out job hunting last time I had planned on going there. A job is a job and Steak and Shake pays more then McDonalds does. I'll have a different scedule then he does hopefully so that will be good.

So, he left and I went back to bed. ERRR Mom comes upstairs sometime afterwards waking me up yet again. Saying her check is in the bank so I gotta get up take care of Justice and she is going to go pay bills and get groceries. I could have easily put Justice down for a nap with me, but the thing is tomorrow is bill today not today. Its kind of a tradition and I wanted to go specially with her gettting groceries. She loves to buy things I don't like a lot of the times.

So, most likely she'll go and it will be another month of me hardly eating, because she is getting food that I can't either eat or that I just can't stand the taste of. Ironically I am easy to shop for eating wise. I will eat the cheap pizzas, I will eat meals in a box, I will eat any ice cream, I eat anything breakfast related minus grits. She buys things like alfredo which I can't really eat, because each time I do it upsets my stomach. I don't know why I use to eat them all the time, but for some reason now I just cant. Which sucks because I use to really like them.

I'll be happy as long as she gets some turkey slices for sandwhiches instead of bologna. Just something that is light and something I can eat. Considering the fact I want to loose weight I have to watch what I eat, so I am not at all concerned with pizzas or anything. I don't know I am bitching right now because I got woke up and I'm mad at mom.

She got mad at me when I told her I was up most of the night and was glad I was since out of no where it starts thundering and all that lovely stuff thats not normal in the middle of winter. I'll probably piss mom off because I am going to see if little one will take an early nap for me. That or I will just stretch out on the couch and watch tv with him.

Lol anyways just ignore my little rant. She doesn't normally do this, but when she does its when I'm running on little sleep and just wanna rest for a change and its ONLY when I am sleeping really really good. My ass is going to crash early tonight. I think after watching Raw I will end up falling asleep if I get to make it thru Raw.

I'll end up taking a nap before it just a short one then I'll be in bed by 1 at the latest. I got to talk to Chris last night online which helped me calm down a lot since I was spazzing out. When he got offline not long afterwards I got offline and then I went upstairs and redone some of the writings I done last night. So, I redone some just changing words here and there.

Oo I'm rambling again maybe i should post or by the time I finish none of it will make sense and will be long enough for a book. I'm in a little better mood though. I'm starting to wake up a bit, but still have a groggy feeling ....

Wow

2006-01-02T02:57:00.000-05:00

Ok, so well I posted all the ones I wrote tonight. Keep in mind though, some of these are from things I've went thru years ago. Anyways they are not that great, but I felt its time to write some of the down. At least some will be able to understand why I am the way I am. Why I am me

Scared

2006-01-02T02:55:00.000-05:00

I walk around pretending nothing is wrong
But at certain times I carry a knife
I'm scared something bad will happen

I'm scared of dying
At one time I was ready to die
But I have reasons to live now

So, I carry around a knife
So I feel halfway safe
I'd do anything to live for the ones I love

I know why I dont feel safe
Ive been this way since I was 14
My fears sometimes are a pain
And forever will be in my mind

I choose to walk
Hoping my fears will disappear
Maybe one day they will

I know some will remain
But I want so many to go away
So, I can be strong for the ones I love

Writing

2006-01-02T02:52:00.000-05:00

I keep writing and writing
Sometimes I don't know why
But it feels wonderful to
But sometimes it hurts me to

I speak of life
I speak of the pain
I speak of the love
I write about everything

So many are reading what I write
But how many understand what I feel

So many words can describe me
But none of them fit into place

I write what I feel
Hopefully someone out there understands
Understands me
Feels me
Relates to me
So, I'm no longer alone

Tears

2006-01-02T02:50:00.000-05:00

Tonight I'll cry myself to sleep
To try and hide my fears
My fears of you breaking in

If I have to cry tonight just to sleep
Then so be it
At least then I won't worry myself

Why did you come back
I didnt want to see you
Because of you I'm scared
Because of you I cry

And until you leave
I'll just keep freaking out

Just stay away
Leave me alone
I just want my life back

But you don't seem to care
You just keep showing up
And making things worse

Just stop
Go Away
I dont care
Just leave me be

Please! Help!

2006-01-02T02:47:00.000-05:00

Tears roll down my face
As I cry myself to sleep
I'm so scared of what could happen
I feel so alone

I wish someone was here
Someone to keep me safe
Someone to protect me

I don't know what to do
Where to go
I'm so scared he will find me
And hurt me again

Please! Someone help me
I don't want to be hurt again
For years Ive lied to myself
Saying it was all my fault

It happened once already
I don't want it to happen again
I said No
But it wasn't my fault

I should have told sooner
But it was too late
I just hope he doesn't hurt someone else
For the mistakes I made

Judgement

2006-01-02T02:45:00.000-05:00

Beauty of the Storm

2006-01-02T02:42:00.000-05:00

I gaze out the window
I watch the rain trinkle down
So much beauty in each drop
So much darkness in the sky

The thunder roars
The lights flicker
Each time the lightning strikes

The room turns black
Only sounds that exist are from the storm
And the sound of people breathing

As the storm passes
The rain lets up
The thunder dies down
As the lights come back on

I gaze back out the window
Only to see the beauty the storm left behind
The beautiful colors
From the rainbow above

Life

2006-01-02T02:39:00.000-05:00

Why couldn't you raise me
You divorce, You remarry
Started another family
I don't understand

For many years I always wondered
What it would be like
To have been raised by you

Watching my siblings grow up
Becoming jealous of them
For having you in their life
All the time we missed

Its all in the past now though
I finally understand
You done what you thought was best
You weren't trying to hurt me
Just trying to protect me

I love you
Each day I am thankful
You made the right choice
Forever I will be grateful
I'm glad your my father

Mistake

2006-01-02T02:36:00.000-05:00

The nightmare gets worse
The pain will always remain
The fact is you don't care
I was a mistake to you

You never wanted me
You hurt my sister
And tried to kill me
What did we do to you

You spread your legs
And call us a mistake
But yet you had two more
This time two boys

Their life is hell
Their mother is a tramp
You'll never again see me
And again your hands won't touch us

Thanks for giving us life
And for not wanting us
Because of that we're not in hell

I'll never love you
But I love my brothers

A Kiss

2006-01-02T02:35:00.000-05:00

A kiss is something special
Shared between two people
Another way for them to express their love

So passionate
So much meaning

There is no certain time
or a certain way to kiss
Every kiss is perfect

No matter when your kissed
Everything is perfect
When its with the one you love

The Light

2006-01-02T02:31:00.000-05:00

Walking towards the light
I wonder where it leads
So close, but so far away

So, beautiful I can't resist
As I grow closer
My heart starts to race

I'm almost there
Not much longer to wait
But, wait ... what's happening
The light, the light is fading

With each step it fades
Until it finally disappears
The beauty that once was
Seems to have never existed

I open my eyes
With a groggy feeling
I explain what I seen
But No one believes
They say it was all in my head

But I know it was real
It was beautiful
And couldnt be resisted

New Year

2006-01-02T02:29:00.000-05:00

Tears roll down my face
As I think about the past
A new year has begun
A new year for changes

What to change
What not to change
When to change

So many questions
A new year to figure them out
New changes
New things

Thats not the importance though
Just because somethings change
Doesn't mean its better

Somethings that dont change
Are the best things in life
I wouldnt change my son

I wouldnt change my love
The new year wouldnt be the same
Without the two of them
To start the year with

I'm Done

2006-01-02T02:26:00.000-05:00

You ripped out my heart
And had no remorse
You never thought twice
Before you hurt me

All the lies
All the distrust
All the anger
All the tears

Months later you apologize
Only because someone jumped your case
You never meant it though
Did you

I'm Done with the lies
I'm done with everything
Including You
Just leave us be

Leave our life
And never come back
I'm happier without you

Stress...

2006-01-02T02:03:00.000-05:00

Well, most of new years was wonderful. I had a blast with Chris and enjoyed seeing Angelina and going out to Dennys to eat. We had a little to drink. Ended up playing cards and by far the best new years ive ever had.

But not everything was great. I choose not to put everything in here at the moment, but I'll leave that at that for the time being. Most of the night I have spent writing and writing and writing. I can't stop writing.

I'll post some of them up possibly tonight since I doubt I'll be able to sleep at the moment since I'm pretty much freaking out right now. Just stressing myself out more. So, I am sure here soon I will add more. I had 7 pages before tonight. I am up to 19 or so I believe.

I am probably going to change my layout again tonight, since I can't do much with the one I have right now. Although I really love it, but I can't access any of my archives or previous posts.

....

2005-12-31T04:25:00.000-05:00

Hmm, I'm still awake. Its 4:30am almost. HAHA Im still awake. I can't sleep errrr oh well, because its worth it. I think I over excited myself. Long story short, my wallet to a point has been found. I will be able to go pick up whats left either Tuesday or Wends. which ever is best for Chris

I got a random call from someone in the family out of the blue asking for me. Keep in mind I rarely talk to them. I run into my 2nd or 3rd cousin every now and then, but thats it. Well, within 30 seconds of the conversation she brings up the car being broke into on Christmas night.

Turns out she was the other one who got a car broken into and something taken. Except hers was a lot worse considering she lost pain pills, a cell phone, over $300, and I don't think anything else was. I can't completely remember right now, but yeah whoever took our stuff dumped my ID card, social security cards, pictures, and shot record into her purse. Some guy was nice enough to return the purse to her.

She went thru the purse and came across my stuff and was amazed considering we're family. I couldn't believe it. It's still hard to believe. Anyways I am happy I got my social security cards back thats the main thing I was worried about.

Anyways I am going to go watch tv again or something until I get tired. I'm hoping Chris will be able to come over after work tonight (Well later in the day then tonight). I wanna make him dinner and then we can bring in the new year. I don't know if he will be able to come over yet or not, but hopefully he will be able to.

If he can't though I'll make him dinner sometime soon. I wanna make beef stroganoff, sweet tea, and maybe something sweet to eat. If of course that sounds good :-D hopefully he'll like it. I will be online till probably around 6am or so. Thats when this marathon goes off and for some reason I like this show.

If I don't post before the new year then HAPPY NEW YEARS!!

sighs

2005-12-30T16:06:00.000-05:00

Today and yesterday have been bad days. I'm kind of depressed right now and moms not helping right now. Chris is probably at work right now I tried to call so I could talk to someone for a few. No ones home today though. If anyone is reading this and knows my house number give me a call. I just need someone to talk to right now.

I just now found out a friend of mine that is one of Justice's godfather is up and moving in 3 days from Nebraska to Cali. Well, he said I knew about it the night I helped him look for a plane ticket, but I thought it was for a visit to see his girl or something. He never told me he was moving until just now. Im gonna end up starting to cry.

Sometimes I wonder why I don't see the things that are clearly in front of me. I should have probably seen that the night I helped look for prices of plane tickets. My eyes are all watery though just thinking about all thats happened and now he's up and moving and I only got a 3 day notice.

Im happy for him though. I know his past relationships have been hell on him and I know he is happy and he most really love her and care for her to move like that. Its not even been a month since he asked me about the plane tickets, but I wish him the best and I wish him a lifetime of happiness.

I'm glad to finally see him this happy. I don't think I can ever recall a time when he was this happy. He reinsures me we'll still be able to talk because he don't wanna loose out on his little godson's life. Good Luck Christopher Rayne!! YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF AND IF SHE HURTS YOU THEN HELLS BREAKING LOOSE.

I think I might go lay down for a bit. I'm still teary eyed and I don't know whats going on right now. If anyone has my house number though call. Someone to talk to right now would be great.

I can cook!!!

2005-12-30T13:53:00.000-05:00

Well, I was hungry and Justice said he was hungry so I figured I would make something that would fill us both up. Well, problem is we don't have much food right now. End of the year, end of the month, and no money. So, I grabbed 2 boxes of Mac and Cheese. I figured it would be filling again, and would still taste like shit.

To my surprise though it was actually good. I mean 100% cooked nothing wrong with it this time. So, I guess last time I wasn't doing something right or I forgot something or just didn't cook it long enough. Justice liked this batch a lot more. He ate a full plate and then half a plate. He ate more then me which isn't nothing new.

I also figured I would make 3 things of Jello for later. I'm not much on Jello all the time, but when we don't have much to choose from I don't have a choice. It'll be good though. I made three boxes so there is enough in there for a day or two. Depending on if Justice will eat it or not. He is weird about Jello sometimes.

I didn't sleep to good last night. I kept tossing and turning and having nightmares. This time I went back to my fear of tornadoes in the dream. I hate that one. Its bad enough to have reoccuring nightmares, but when it wakes me up in kind of a panic state then I really hate it. But yeah I was being dragged by someone in the dream away from the tornadoe. Well, dragged wouldnt be the word. We we're running and they was pulling me faster then I could run.

Anyways enough with my stupid nightmares mom woke me up this morning so her and Mary could go do something. They just ran to the smoke shop so Mary could get her and Doug their cigarettes. Mom bummed some money off of one of her friends so we could get a couple packs yesterday. I have slightly over 2 packs because Mom bought her 6 and me 4. Go figure. Either way we're both running out and it will be a repeat of yesterday. Her bitching me out for the simplest thing and getting pissed off over nothing.

I guess thats why I took a nap on the couch yesterday for an hour or so. I tried to email Chris 3 or so times, but each time said my email wasn't going thru. Well, I tried to send one to myself and it said it couldn't go thru, anyone I send an email to says it cant go thru, but about 25% of the emails I sent actually got sent to my friends even though it said it wasn't sent. SO WHAT THE HELL!!

Stupid Insight. I don't understand, but hopefully hun you got them. I don't know if you did or not, but if you did sorry if any of them are repeating anything. I was just sending to hope I could get one to go thru.

Ima go ahead and post this now. I'm going to go watch some tv with Justice. See if we can find anything good on, or take a nap on the couch again who knows lol.

YAY!!!

2005-12-29T11:43:00.000-05:00

Well, I am out of cigarettes, well just keep reading on at least lol. I went upstairs to go grab the ashtry from my room so I could grab the ones that still could be smoked even if only for a couple puffs, but I found an empty pack, well I thought it was empty. I found 3 cigarettes which is good, because I didn't have anymore.

So, I have 3 of the time being. After that I'll go nuts lol, but mom is the one I'm worried about. She has very little and when she runs out she isn't going to go nuts. She is going to go insane. I've never been around her much when she runs out. Because she normally has a plan to buy more cigarettes, but not this time she don't.

So, I think staying in my room with Justice is going to be a big possiblity today. I dunno though who knows, not me thats for sure right now. Right now she is taking a nap which is good. Means her cigarettes will last longer.

Speaking of which I had a great night sleep for the first time in awhile last night. I went to bed close to 2am versus the 5-7am deal. I feel asleep easier then usual I mean within 20 minutes rather then a couple hours. I also had a wonderful dream, but I will not post it till it comes true. I know this one will :-D. I slept until close to 11 when mom woke me up.

Justice woke up with me and came downstairs when I did. He is currently sleeping on the couch. I got to work on getting my nights and days back in order and from the looks of it his too. He wouldnt go to sleep the past two days without me. So, whether I like it or not I'm going to have to figure out how to help him sleep easier along with myself. Not all the time for me though, but he needs his scedule or at least where he isnt going to bed after midnight like he has the past two nights.

~_~Blushing~_~

2005-12-29T00:12:00.000-05:00

I don't even know where to begin. Nothing really happened until Chris and Marcus came over. We we're rushing to go see a movie, but ended up missing it because my sister wanted me to come over so she could give me "$5" but ended up giving $10. So we get there and ended up seeing Yours, Mine, and Ours.

Which was a good movie. I really liked it. It was really funny. I knew the previews we're good and the movie was just as good. Afterwards we went to Wal-mart to get some food. 5lbs of hamburger, 5lbs of tater tops, and a thing of Birthday Cake Ice Cream. So we ate good.

We ended up picking up Angelina from Wal-mart later on and dropped her off and came back here. Which Chris helped me pick out another new layout which this one is a lot better and he fixed my comments for me :-D

Justice and Marcus wrestled a lot, well Justice pretty much beat the shit outta him lol. Justice was rough, but cute at the sametime like he always is. We tried to watch another movie, but they had to leave at midnight so we ended up just watching south park. Which I always end up forgetting to watch because I always forget when it is on.

Chris ended up kissing me on the cheeck and I forgot what I was saying, but I know I was blushing big time and we both started laughing, because the tone in my voice completely changed. I couldn't help it though :-D

Before they left he ended up kissing me quickly and it was on my lips and I know right now I have the biggest grin on my face and my face is still red and burning, and I wouldnt change any of it. Too me it was perfect, but thats because no matter how he kisses me its all perfect to me. I could never change anything about it :-D nor would I want to. I love you Chris!!

My Little Monster

2005-12-27T17:28:00.000-05:00

Justice and me .. lol his face

Jusice and me again .. lol his face again
The Batman Mobile Bed Chris got Justice for Xmas

Justice making his donkey sounds and stuff

Justice making a face

A batman mobile car from Aunt Carol

This is what Aunt Elle got Justice for Xmas

lol Justice Boxers

I cant cook!!!

2005-12-27T17:25:00.000-05:00

Well, we we're all hungry so I figured I would make some simple and quick. French fries and Mac and Cheese would be the easiest, quickest, and most filling. So, I made it and the french fries we're good. No problems there, but the mac and cheese were on the other hand really horrible. The taste wasn't so bad, but it wasn't completely cooked. Even though I left them on for like 30 minutes. So, yeah Mac and Cheese isn't my speciality.

Why can I cook harder food good, but the simple food is so much harder for me to make. Anyways I think I'll stick to cooking meat and poultry. Oo and certain pasta. Just not Mac and Cheese. Anyways Justice is chowing down on the frys and the mac and cheese so at least he likes it

Writings ...

2005-12-27T16:24:00.000-05:00

Ok, so yeah I had to change some settings, because out of no where things just started filling in my head. So, as I was laying in bed I just started writing and writing. They are not that great, but to me its relief to finally have been able to write.

Considering I can't really recall the last time I could write with ease. For the first time in awhile I didn't suffer from writers block. I have to redo my settings though. I'll have it display around 10 or so versus' the 7 it shows now. I wrote enough to use 7 spots on here, but now I am writing this so, it will bump off one, but I want all of them to be shown on this page at the moment.

Anyways yeah, they are posted. So, hopefully I won't have any problems writing anymore. Hopefully the writers block is gone for now. Tomorrow I'll have Chris show me how to get my comments back so if someone wants to leave comments on any of them they can.

Also if you cant tell I changed the layout again. This one is more roamy. I loved the other one, but it was too small. I like butterflies a lot though for some odd reason. Looking at me would be hard to know probably, but I do like this one too :-D

Just One Night

2005-12-27T16:21:00.000-05:00

Four in the morning
I'm still awake
So many things
Running thru my head

But all I want
Is to sleep

One night of sleep
Wheree I am not thinking
One night of sleep
Where I can dream
One night of sleep
So I can rest

Is that to much to ask for
Why cant I sleep
Just one night
I ask
One night of not having to wait
for hours just to fall asleep

Just One Night .....

Running

2005-12-27T16:18:00.000-05:00

The clock strikes three
I am running
I keep running for what seems to be hours
I cant stop
I cant slow down
I run as if my life
Depends on it

I dont know why I am running
I dont know why I cant stop
Is someone chasing me
Is someone in trouble

I slip and I fall
Hearing footsteps gain in closer on me
I get up, but its to late
Someones here
The shadow grows closer
I finally see
I was running ....

Running from me

Dear Friend

2005-12-27T16:16:00.000-05:00

In a time of need
In a time of pain
you we're not there
I never asked for much
Just for you to be there

I never betrayed you
Or turned my back
You tell me what you want me to hear
But tell others what you really mean

What did I do so wrong
To make you hate me this way
You we're my friend
You was like a sister to me
But I guess now
It has all changed

Innocent Times

2005-12-27T16:14:00.000-05:00

I can remember when
Things seemed so easy
Things seemed perfect
Nothing bad could happen
Everything was just right

I wish those times we're still here
But for me they will never return
For those times we're of childhood days
Before I realized all the pain
All the suffering the world could bring

Reality hit in with full force
For so much bad happens
But so much good happens
The protection of my childhood days is gone
And I see what life is all about

The purest form of innocence
Is that of a child
For they can do no wrong
And can see no wrong

Tick, Tock

2005-12-27T16:11:00.000-05:00

Tick, Tock
Tick, Tock

The clock keeps ticking
each second becoming a minute
each minute becoming an hour
and as each second goes by
History somewhere is being made

Somewhere in the world
With each Moment
Someone is dying
A baby is born
Anothing Bomb going off
Another life being saved

Each second in the day
Something is going on
Wether it be bad or good

Always remember the ones you love
Always let them know how much you care
For each second that passes
No one knows what it will bring

Lost Brothers

2005-12-27T16:08:00.000-05:00

I missed you two growing up
Our bond was never formed
Our fights never existed
For so many years
I wondered what it would be like
To have you two in my life

She never gave me a chance
She never wanted me
I missed so much
On both of your lives
And not a day goes by
Where I don't think of you both
I love you both
And I hope you understand

I wanted to be there
But it wasn't my choice
Always Remember
I will always love you two
For you are my brothers

Love

2005-12-27T16:05:00.000-05:00

As I gaze into your eyes
Time Stops
Its just you and me
Nothing else matters
My heart beats faster and faster
My words are all mixed up
I cant speak
The butterflies are back
We start walking
We walk for hours
Hand in hand
And Again
Nothing else matters
Its just you and me
We gaze into each others eyes
And give each other our love
Before ending the night

Eh

2005-12-26T04:14:00.000-05:00

Well, today (Erm well Christmas) didn't go completely as planned. We didn't make it to his grandma's today. He woke up around 3 and I didn't get out of bed till after 12:30 or so. We was suppose to be there around noon.

So, he came over later and we had sometime to kill before going to see a movie. So, we watched a little TV. Mostly watched Justice I believe acting goofy :). Then went upstairs to get a number off my cellphone which was dead. Which I let Justice play with since it's not in service.

We had fun upstairs though. We we're playing with Justice and Justice was having fun too. Hitting and throwing pillows. Justice would hide under pillows and blankets and jump on the bed. It was all fun though.

Well, we left to go take care of Betty Jo's dogs like we're suppose too. Of course they was hyper as hell, but afterwards we headed to the movie. It didn't start until 10:10 and by the time we got the tickets and some popcorn and drinks the previews we're going on. I'm getting ahead of myself though.

We went to go see the new Harry Potter. On the way I was going to stop at an ATM and withdrawl some money. Well, we decided we'd get gas after the movie and I would just use the bank card instead of withdrawing any money. So, we get to the movie theater and I had my wallet face down so the batman symbol isn't seen and I put my cig. packs around it so its not noticeable.

So, we go sit down and the movie starts shortly after. Movie ends which the movie was really long, but extremely good. I loved it and Chris did too. By far the best Harry Potter movie. So, we walk out I run to the restroom and we head to the car. Well, while walking out Security was out there and of course I didn't think anything at first.

We get to his car and he is looking at it kind of weird, and said something about his window. I walk over there and the window is completely shattered. Its the new car they just got not long ago and his moms car. So, after a few I realize my wallet was in the car. So, I start freaking out a bit and go to the other side of the car. My ciggs had been moved and my fucking wallet was gone.

Here's the thing though. That's the only thing that was missing. My house key was still in there. Both of our ciggs we're in there. His CD's we're in the. Car Papers were in there. Christmas gifts we're in there. All of it was still there except my wallet. I don't care about the wallet. I don't care about the credit cards. Those can easily be taken care of. No cash was in there, but Justice's and my social security cards we're in there. His shot record and my out of state permit was in there.

So, we go back in side and the girl said something to the fact she hoped we didn't have bad news. Needless to say it wasn't the first report. A ladies car was broken into as well. Sadly her car was closest to the door and in a handicap parking spot, but no one seen a thing. We filed a report. Now I am going to go try to get ahold of my bank about the card since the other one will be declined for being over the limit and not having been paid in awhile.

I can understand it happening other days. But for people to go out on Christmas or any holidays and break into someone's car is pathetic. Its pathetic all the time, but damn on a holiday is even worse. Things could have been worse, thankfully we didn't go out when it was actually taking place since we don't know if a gun was on hand or not. So, a window needs fixed, some cards need to be canceled, and I better hope and pray no one steals Justice's and my identity.

We were both in a good mood until going out to the car. We froze all the way over to a friends house and she let us borrow some gloves to keep warm. Went to his apartment and Chris, his mom, and me put a shower curtain over the window and everything to try and keep it dry in case it rains until it can be fixed.

He brought me home but got gas on the way bought a scratchcard and won $17 from it. We came to my apartment drunk a little over half a thing of mudslide each in the nightmare before Christmas champagne glasses and played around on the computer a bit and we have more pictures of us together now :-D.

I wish the window being broke and wallet being stolen never had happened though, but I do know one thing. I rather be with him when something like that happens then without him. Regardless of who it happens to tonight just happened to hit us both. Hopefully nothing like this will ever happen to us again. I just cant believe people would stoop that low.

I guess I should go ahead and post this and try to get a hold of the bank if I can find the number then I should probably head to bed. Hope everyone had a great Christmas. I love you Chris

Self Reminder for Chris and me. TAKE CAMERA TO MEIJER

lol hopefully one of us will remember that I posted the reminder on here.

Quiz Results

2005-12-25T14:58:00.000-05:00

Ok, so yeah im bored lol ... here comes a shit load of quizzie results

Dreamwalking is your specialtiy.
You are a person with a huge imagination, and would
rather live in their imaginary world than the
real one. You love to sleep, because when you
do, you get to live in your dreams. In your
dreams, you see things that might come true,
and at some times they do. You can interperate
any dream, whether it be yours or someone elses
and most of the time, you are acurate. Many
people may look down upon you because of the
fact that you don't seem to see the problems of
the real world, but you do. You just want to
escape them, and your dreams and imagination is
where you can find that solace.

Everyone has a secret ability. What is yours? (7 answers with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

What movie should you be in???
brought to you by Quizilla

How dark is your soul? (Great pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
Blue - Your soul is neutral and you are pulled from side to side with your soul, you dont know what to do and you are on the border line of goin to Heaven and Hell.

What fairy are you? ♥gorgeous pictures♥
brought to you by Quizilla
Your a gothic fairy. Your a bit misunderstood, but have a great personality

ok well .. not a shit load right now, but ill do more later :-D well maybe maybe not

A little more about m

2005-12-25T14:40:00.000-05:00

My Info

Name::	Helen
Age::	21
Shoe Size::	12
Height::	5'9ish
Weight::	290 or so
Pants Size::	Not sure
Shirt Size::	1x
Innie or Outie?:	Innie
Love Questions
Are you in Love?:	Yes
Are you single or taken?:	Taken
If single, for how long?:	0
If taken, for how long?:	2 months
If taken, by whom?:	Chris
Do you like guys or girls?:	......
What do you think about Sporty guys?:	Eww
Smart?:	Thats a plus
Dorky?:	Thats another plus
Popular?:	Eww
Your Favorites
Kind of Food::	Chinese
Color::	Green
Song::	Everything by Zug Izland
Band::	Twiztid
Singer::	... Alanis Morrsette
CD::	Take off your pants and Jacket
Kind of Music::	All
Animal::	Cat
Place to be?:	In Chris' Arms :-D
Vacation spot::	....
Actor::	Adam Sandler
Actress::	Angelina Jolie
Comedian::	Larry the Cable Guy
Soap Opera::	I dont watch those
Day Time Talk Show::	Maury
Game Show::	Not sure
All Around Favorite Show::	Family Guy
Drink::	Sweet Tea
Restaurant::	Dennys
Number::	3
Letter::	C
Word::	shit
Your Short Opinion on..
George W. Bush::	Fuck bush
Gay Marriage::	I dont see anything wrong with it.
Rocketing Gas Prices::	Err
Minimum Wage ($6.75)::	Should be higher
Drunk Driving::	Fucking assholes shouldnt be drinking. There is a limit for a reason
Legal Driving Age::	Hell I dont know. Im 21 so I say 21 should be good I guess
Anorexia::	Sad
Mary-Kate and Anorexia::	I dont know
Lindsay Lohan (18) and her 23-year-old boyfriend::	If thats a problem then what about Anna Nicole and her deceased husband
Young Marriages::	Its their choice
Young Parents::	Im a young parent raising my son. Its tough, but I couldnt change it, but younger then 18 is bad!!
Pregnency without a Marriage::	It happens
Telemarketers::	DIE BITCH DIE
Pop Quizzes::	YAY

Label Your Friends!
Loudest::	Me
Quietest::	Kat
Nicest::	Chris
Person who doesn't think before they speak::	Me
Outspoken::	Chris :-D
Annoying::	Brad
Popular or has best chance of becoming popular::	I dunno
Best Dressed::	Kat
Worst Dressed::	No one
Sweetest::	Chris
Giving::	Chris
Selfish::	None
Ungrateful::	None
Social Butterfly::	I dont know
Will be crowned Most Likely to Succeed by their class::	lol deffinatly not me
This or That
Soda/Punch:	Soda
Sour/Sweet:	Sour
Summer/Winter:	Winter
Christmas/Thanksgiving:	Christmas
Easy/Challenging:	both
Light/Dark:	Dark
Sun/Moon:	Moon
TV/Movies:	Movies
Out with Friends/Out with Family:	Friends
Cat/Dog:	Cat
Penguin/Dolphin:	Penguin
Book/Magazine:	Book

Crushed Heart

2005-12-25T14:13:00.000-05:00

Well, my hearts crushed right now. My dad was in town and he stayed the day/night when he first got in after he got my siblings. The next day took the ones still here home and then went to Uncle Dennis' and the plan was to stay the night and the next day he would most likely be back over here for one more night, before heading back to Virginia.

Well, that didn't happen. I called my Uncle to wish them a Merry Christmas and to talk to dad. Come to find out though dad left night to go back to Virginia to beat the snow. Wish I understand and I know he needed to do what he needed to, so he would be safe on his way home. I'm crushed though cause he didn't call to say goodbye or anything :(

Normally wouldn't phase me, but I didn't even know he was back home. I got an offline from him on yahoo at 7am or so, but all it said was Merry Christmas, so I'm taking it he is already back home. I just wish he would have called or at least let me know on yahoo.

Right now I am waiting for Chris to come pick me up so we can go to his grandparents. We spent time together last night. We went to go take care of Betty Jo's dogs and then went to Walgreens and then to Dennys. Afterwards came back here for awhile and fooled around with his MP3 player.

So, I am all dressed up right now. Waiting for him to wake up or get ready or get here. I don't know if he is awake yet or if he is on his way. lol hard to know right now. Either way I will be ready when he gets here minus the shoes since I haven't got them on yet. I have to go upstairs to get them still.

Oo yeah Justice woke up around 3 in the morning last night. I didn't go to bed until a little after 5 am cause I was using the gift Chris' mom got me for Christmas. I love it. Its a nail kit. I don't know how to describe it, but when you finish all the steps you nails are all smooth and shiny. Kind of looks like you have a clear coat of clear finger nail polish on it. His grandparents got me a swinging snowman nick nack which I really like. And Chris' mom got Justice a little Batman Ornament which he liked a lot :-D

He went to bed with my last night and I swear he almost broke my noise. He was snuggling up and I guess while he was trying to get comfortable he managed to hit me extremely heard in the nose with the back of his head. Well, I thought that was bad enough I stood up and went to the bathroom he hit hard enough to give me a nose bleed. So, yeah he has a really hard head and my nose still hurts lol.

Well, I am off for now. I might go watch some TV or something to pass the time while I wait on Chris :) we might also go to the movies tonight. So, I am excited about today.

Intown..

2005-12-24T19:03:00.000-05:00

Well, my dad and them came in yesterday. My dad picked up my brothers and sister to bring them over. Between being tired and between it being extremely loud in here everything went good. Cammie had to go to work at 8ish or so. Justice had a good christmas though. He got quit a bit.

We opened up presents pretty much as soon as he got here. Justice got a pair of batman boxers as well as a pair of batman light up shoes. He also got an outfit that is outragously big on him, but will be good for winter next year or the year after. Im sure it will be cute on him. He got some pretty cool toys as well.

I ended up with another bath basket. One from my aunt, one from cammie, and then mom gave me the one she got from my aunt, because she won't sit in the tub or anything. Dad got me a $50 gift card to JcPenny's which was kind of akward at first, but I really liked it.

So I went to get a new dress shirt. I found one for $40 which normally I wouldn't buy but it was on sell for $21 so I figured thats more my spending range since I pay 20 for shirts at hot topic. I also bought a nightgown, but its really short and its kind of skimpy ... but its green!! lol I like green I dont know why. So, will be something new to wear when I sleep. Its a lot more comfortable then wearing shorts to bed.

Dad installed somethings onto the computer for me. Paint shop pro and if he comes back tomorrow he said he would install some filters for it on there for me so I have more options to do. Which is cool since I really have been getting into photo editing here lately.

They left this morning, but dad said he might stay until Monday. That was the original plans, but he said he might have to go back tomorrow, which I hope not I really want to learn more about paint shop pro since he said tomorrow would be the day for me to learn.

Right now I am all dressed up and I actually kind of like it. I am wearing the shirt I got from JcPenny's, I have make-up on and fixed my hair to a point and wearing my dressy black pants. Hopefully Chris will have time to pick me up if he gets off work early enough, but if not I understand. I figured it would be easier for me to be already ready just in case he does so he wouldnt have to wait. All I need is my shoes.

Well, I am off for now. If Chris is able to come over or if he goes and then comes over afterwards I picked up something for us to drink whenever we can. I am off again for now though.

2005-12-23T00:23:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to decide what my New Years Resolution will be. I think I have figured out my list for this year. 2005 most of the ones I set happened and I made. Some I didn't even come close to, so I am setting what I know will and what I want to improve for myself and some for health. So ... here goes.

2006 New Years Revolution

Get my GED
Get at least my CNA
Get my License
Loose at least 50lbs by the end of the year
Cut back on smoking
Save around $2000 in the bank
Get a Car
Pay off my credit card and keep it under $150
Try to eat Mushrooms
INCREASE MY IMMUNE SYSTEM!!

Well, most of them I already know will happen. The main ones I'm concerned on is my immune system, loosing the weight, and saving the money. Oo and of course attempting to eat mushrooms since I do know I am allergic to them, but it's been awhile since I tried one, so maybe I won't be allegeric to them now.

I know Chris likes them, so hopefully I'll be able to eat them with him :-D. I want to loose more then 50 pounds though, but I didn't want to set a higher goal for the fact for me to loose 50 pounds and keep it off will be a big goal as is for me.

My Immune system I think will be the most challenging. I don't know how to boost it, but I will keep looking into it. I know I can buy pills that are "suppose" to increase my immune system, but I don't know if they will, but I am going to try. I hate being sick and I hate the fact I easily get sick. It use to never be that away, but now that it is I gotta do something. I hate bills and I hate missing work or anything, so hopefully in 2006 my health will improve and being sick won't be much of a worry.

Saving money might be a bit of a challenge, because I want to get my GED and then my CNA. Depending on if I get free training for my CNA will be a little easier to save, but mainly I want to save up money for emergencies or for something we will need.

So, 2006 a new year and a new start on certain things. Hopefully this year will be better then 2005. I am sure it will be 100 times better then 2005. The only good things to happen in 2005 for after I moved back to Indiana and got back with Chris. Up until I moved back it was pure hell mostly. Justice got me thru the hell there though :-D

Laundry

2005-12-22T18:18:00.000-05:00

Eh, I hate laundry day. Specially when mom goes with me. I rather take it next door so I can I go by myself and come home while its washing and while its drying, but none the less it didn't happen that away. Oh, well lol.

I found out earlier that my dad might actually be in town tonight rather then sometime tomorrow. I found out from Meikel, so I am not sure. I called Dad to talk to him though, but no answer. So, maybe he left early. Normally he is home around this time at night since Katie gets up around now or is going to work right now. No one answered though so no telling.

Sleep .. sleep was bad last night

2005-12-22T14:26:00.000-05:00

I tossed and I turned and I tossed and turned for several hours last night. I just could not sleep for the life of me. I just woke up a few minutes ago and well needless to say its after 2pm. I was hoping to be online around noon though today, but it didn't happen.

I ended up watching a movie hoping it would put me to sleep, but I think that was the problem. I watched The Forgotten. Well, I think by the end of it I was jumpy. There was one scene in there where I completely jumped off my seat. Which is great. Its good when I movie can make my heart race, my mind wonder, make me nervous, and so much more.

But I think watching it at 5am was a mistake, because I guess I was paranoid at the end of it. I went to go upstairs again and put my phone on charge. Stupid phone was dead and I hooked it up. Well, I guess it was so dead that when I plugged it in it would keep going on and off and flashing because the battery was low. It done that for awhile and then it was fine. So, I was weirded out a little about it after the movie lol.

I finally fell asleep and of course Justice woke me up 3 or so times thru-out me sleeping and the last time I just got out of bed. Even though I know I could sleep a couple more hours, but for some reason I am having trouble sleeping at night anymore. Its going to back like it was when I was younger. I was to scared to sleep at night so I would stay up all night then sleep during the day.

I haven't done that for a few years though. Mostly since I got pregnant with Justice then it all changed, but for some reason I am doing it again. All I know I wish I could get my nights and days straightened back up. I dont know what to do, but the next couple days I know I wont sleep much. So hopefully it will get it back to slightly more normal then what it is now.

My Black Past is Haunting Me

Update

Here By Me

Goodbye?

ERRR SLEEP

Blah

Keep Calling

Justice is 3!!!

YAY FOR BIRTHDAYS!

Average 574

FABLE

Registration...

Wow

Long Day

HAHAHA

Test Results?

Robert Frost...

*Grins*

GRRRRRR

Applications

Random Survey

Survey

I ....

Internet

Update

The Move

Tears

My Mom and Moving

Opps Sorry

Boredom

Survey

Letter from Mom

Family

Survey

R.I.P. MOMMA

Hospital

Reality

Yesterday

Slacking

Tears

Cigarettes!

New Room

Sleep Results

My Son..

Stupid Neighbors ...

My Mood ..

SCREAMS

Bush

New Years Revolution

Mom

Heart Failure

Hospital and Bedwetting

Coldness

Cleaning

Hmmm

Lyrics and Such

The One

Hand In My Pocket

Smackdown

LAYOUT...

???

My Mom

Food

ERRRR

Wow

Scared

Writing

Tears

Please! Help!

Judgement

Beauty of the Storm

Life

Mistake

A Kiss

The Light

New Year

I'm Done

Stress...

....

*sighs*

Grins

sighs